Friday March 31--Rewards

So many people have patted us on the back & told us that we're saints or angels or something to that effect. My response to all of them is generally the same --- don't crown me yet! I hate that people are seeing Larry & I in this and not the Lord. If you heard a piano being played beautifully, would you go up & talk to the piano afterward, praising it for its wonderful music? Of course not! You'd praise the one who played the piano! Similar to that, please don't praise Larry & I for the "great thing" we're doing here; praise the One who gave us life....the One who gives us the strength to rise every morning & start another day.....the One who created these beautiful children we get to watch grow and change.

In Genesis 15:1, it says: 1 After this, the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward."

Wow! Now THAT is the kind of reward I want! GOD is my very great reward! What better reward can we imagine??? I long for the day that I can reach out & touch His face, hug Him close, sit in His lap & have Him hold me close. What a joyful time that will be!

I was listening to a new Paul Baloche CD tonight & heard this song. I've enjoyed it for a long time, but hearing it tonight while pondering all of this brought it out in a new light to me.

My Reward

I want to hear You say the words to me "Well done". I want to hear you say "Good and faithful servant". I want to hear you say "I've prepared a place for you." Let all the treasures of this world fall away.

Chorus: Jesus, you are my reward! To hear Your voice on that day is all I'm living for. Jesus, you are my reward. To see your face on that day is all I'm living for.

In the twinkling of an eye, we'll all be changed! We'll meet You in the sky, we'll see you face to face!

Chorus

Jesus, all I'm living for. Jesus, all I'm living for.

This is so true! We are so unworthy of the praise we're receiving. The only one who deserves praise here is God Himself! If not for Christ, Larry & I wouldn't be able to pull this off. He is so good, so faithful, so sweet & tender, so intimate, so precious to us. It is our greatest prayer that Andrew & Kourtney, as well as our bio children (& all those reading this journal) would see God in our lives and honor Him for all He is!

Prayers Thurs 3/23

Tonight I felt the urging to begin praying for G specifically. I will be doing that in the coming days & urge you to join me.
And for all you prayer warriors out there who've asked for specific requests for the rest of us, here is an update:
Larry--- needs prayers for his physical health. His back is still giving him fits. He's had 2 (or 3?) epidural injections now without any real lasting relief. He's doing some chiropractic work now, but the chiro doc didn't seem to feel too promising about how much he could help. He may be headed to surgery, and while that's not the end of the world, we would like to avoid going under the knife if possible. Continue to pray for Larry as he deals with balancing work and home. He has been doing very well & not overdoing anything in any area, so I pray that this continues.
Savannah---needs prayer for compassion & patience & strength. She's doing really well with the adjustment to A&K's presence in our home, but the stress that she's been feeling has really brought out the worst in her tone of voice & words lately. I think this is just a matter of acting out due to the stress, so please bathe her heart and tongue in prayers.
Andrew---needs prayers as he will visit the therapist for the first time on Monday. Bind Satan from that counseling room, pray for God to give him a special openness with the therapist and a willingness to share things and start to work through the pain & struggles of this whole situation. Also, continue to pray for spiritual breakthroughs in Andrew's life. I think he's really "on the verge" and I know that having an intimacy with God could phenomenally & remarkably change who Andrew is & how he deals with things every day.
Samuel---needs prayers for protection of his heart. While he's always been more drawn to obvious, outward sins (while the girls tend toward the quiet, hidden ones), having a new "partner in crime" in the house hasn't helped any. We're working to teach Andrew the way we do things here & Samuel's struggling to keep the things he's learned from Andrew. Granted, nothing is horrible or vile.....but there are a few behaviors that I'd rather skip over entirely.
Kourtney---needs prayers to finally let down her guard & "get it all out". She's had several instances of almost bursting into tears (in sadness about her mom), but she always sucks it up at the last minute & doesn't let it out. I know that she really needs to grieve and I think that will start with an outpouring of tears & emotion. I hate to see her go through it, but I think it's necessary.
Sarah---needs continued prayers for her little wounded spirit. She is still feeling the brunt of "losing" some of mommy's time/energy. I've been making every effort to make sure that all the kids get some one on one attention....but she's just used to getting MORE of it. Today at school, she wanted to come sleep in my room so I let her. Once she gets that security thing going, she's fine...but she's still working through some hurt feelings here.
Me---I suppose I have to open myself up here, too, huh? Ok....I need prayers for my physical strength & energy levels & sleep habits. I haven't slept too normally in the past 6 weeks or so. Things seem to go in cycles of really rough days or really good ones. I'm grateful that the 'really good' ones are coming more & more frequently, but the tough ones seem to be REALLY tough. I guess I can see why some people numb their pain & struggles with alcohol or pills. I just use food myself. :) None of us have it all figured out & unless we leave the stress & struggles at the feet of Christ, we're not doing ourself any good worrying or partaking of our vice to try to comfort ourselves! Pray for me to quit seeking out another comfort measure...and to take it all straight to the throne and LEAVE it there.
THank you for your continued love, prayers & support. We appreciate it all!

Wed March 15

This morning, Samuel & Andrew were talking about how cool it would be to have a time machine. Andrew said "Yeah, I'd want to go back & see how my mom died." This is one of the first comments he's made about her dying....and I found it odd that he didn't say 'I'd like to go back & save my mom from dying.' Anyway, he asked me a question or two about how she died, so I was as honest as I could be & explained her injuries to him. He took it very matter of factly & just moved on. I'm glad. I figure being up front about everything is the best way to handle things because if you remove all the mystery from it, it won't be scary. And like they always say, not knowing is harder than knowing. I think that holds true here. After we talked about Kelly's injuries, Andrew said he wanted to go see where the wreck happened.
Larry got home about 11:00 & we took off. We had to go pick up the girls (who all spent the night with my mom last night) and then headed to Palestine, where we visited with G at the jail. It was such a sad place to be. The tiny waiting room was crammed full of families with little bitty children. How awful that all these sweet kids are having to go there to visit a father/mother/sister/brother. A&K don't seem to grasp that this is really unusual. They were just excited to see their dad. It's funny how innocent children are & how they're proud of mom/dad no matter what they do or who they are. When I stepped into the visiting room, Kourtney was jumping up & down, pointing & saying "there's my dad! there's my dad!" as if she was pointing out a movie star. I'm glad that their relationship is still good & she's happy to see her dad, but at the same time, saddened that it has to be done this way. We only had a 30 minute visit & he spent most of that time talking to the kids.
When we left the jail, we went to the site of the wreck. The kids were all interested in the neon orange paint on the road marking where they van came to rest after the accident, the tree that was hit, the pine straw that is still bunched up in a little pile from where the tires landed. Larry asked the kids if they had any questions. Andrew didn't, but Kourtney said she did. Rather than a question, she went into a speech about how this was just an accident...that mommy & daddy loved her...and that her mommy is watching over her now. I guess she just felt the need to clarify all that for us. :)
Then we went to the cemetary to visit Kelly's grave. As we pulled into the cemetary, Kourtney said something & sounded like she was about to burst into tears, but she quickly perked back up & never cried. I'm still not really sure what it was she said, though. We pulled up right beside Kelly's grave & went over to sit on the ground beside it. The kids & I read the little grave marker & realized that tomorrow would've been her birthday. I think we're going to go get some balloons & release them. The kids want to send balloons to Heaven for mommy. Kourtney actually wants to get a BUNCH of balloons & attach a birthday cake to the bottom for mommy, but somehow I don't think we can get that many balloons! <giggle> We walked around the cemetary picking all the little wildflowers & put them onto Kelly's grave. We had to dispel the theory that if you step on a grave the person inside will come out & get you (not sure who told them that one!)....but we did tell them that it's not respectful to intentionally walk all over a grave, so they learned some cemetary etiquette today as well.
By the time we left the cemetary, we were all needing a little break from the emotion-filled things of the day, so we went over & spent some time at Larry's dad's house. The kids got a couple of more toys they'd left behind and we packed a big box full of movies that they'd left when they moved last month. (I made sure to LEAVE a few of the ones we picked through....sorry, guys.....no R-rated movies for the kiddies! Yikes!)
After our visit, we headed home. :::yawn::: It's been a long day.
On a sweet note, it's been really neat to see Andrew learning to love the Kids Praise music CD I got them. He loves the song "All the Earth Will Sing His Praises". I'm including the lyrics below (or as many as I can remember anyway!). Every time it comes on, he says "I love this song! Turn it up!"
I have to work tomorrow & the kids are on Spring Break, so mom is going to take Savannah & Kourtney to her house for the day and a friend from church is watching the boys for me. Sarah & I will have a Western Day at school (while we study Texas). Kourtney will start Mother's Day Out with us on Tuesday.
So there ya have it....our crazy day! Time to head to bed!
All the Earth Will Sing His Praises
Chorus: You lived. You died. You said in 3 days you would rise. You did. You're alive! You rose, you reign. You said you're coming back again. I know, you will, and all the earth will sing your praises. (drum solo) All the earth will sing your praises. (drums) All the earth will sing your praises.
You took, you take, our sins away, oh God. You give, you gave your life away for us. You came down, you saved us through the cross. Our lives are changed because of your sweet love.
Chorus

Monday March 6

Tonight was another good bedtime. I layed down with Andrew to read his book for school and ended up reading a letter from G, too. We talked about the reality of dad being gone for a long time & how he'd always have a home here. We've talked about it before, but he seemed to really "get it" tonight. I asked him a lot of questions about his mom & dad---trying to bring up some memories so that he can work through all of that. He seemed shocked when I told him it has been almost a month since Kelly's death. He said it seemed like it had been a lot longer than that. He couldn't name any specific memories of his mom at first. I'm not sure if he's blocking things out right now or if he really has forgotten things. After talking a while, he could name a few things. I told him that he was going to have to help Kourtney remember her mom, because she's so young that I fear she will not have many memories of Kelly once she's grown. I asked if he thought he could write down some special memories of his mom in a journal if I get him one. He agreed to that. :) I figure that will serve more than one purpose.
Kourtney didn't want to go to school this morning, but I think I've found my "bribe". :) I told her that if she could go to school & behave sweetly all week at school, then we'd go to Dairy Queen on Fri afternoon & get an icecream cone. She seemed to like that idea! Her teacher told me today that she had a big grin on her face when she came in & that she'd been more pleasant today than usual! I guess it worked! :)
Sarah had another rough day today. Poor baby girl. I think Larry is going to come eat lunch with her at Mother's Day Out one day this week. She'll get a kick out of that! She's really taking all the adjustments hard. Please continue praying for her.

Sunday March 5

These first two weeks have been good. While there are challenging moments that make me sigh & some that make me want to scream, we've been blessed with an abundance of awesome moments that have made it all soooooooo worth while.

On the night that A & K arrived, I was totally blown away. The exhaustion I felt that first night knocked me off my feet at 10pm & I slept like a log. The emotional rollercoaster that I felt like we'd spent the prior week riding had finally slowed down long enough for me to put on my seatbelt & get a firm grip.... and boy what a ride it's been ever since.

These days, I find that things are no more complicated or crazy than they were with 3 kids. I mean, the same struggles exist---getting rooms cleaned, sibling rivalry, sharing toys, the usual stuff. I feel like the kids have already molded themselves into our little family & are a part of us so completely. These sweet little ones are so flexible & willing to go with us, do with us...whatever we need to do, they're right there with us, anxious to fit right into the family. It's almost like they are made of clay---fitting the form & molding right into the group so smoothly. :)

The oldest of my brood, Savannah, is doing well. She's had several breakdowns since A&K arrived, but is doing well overall. She's learning compassion & understanding and is having fun with another brother. She & Andrew are best buddies most of the time. On Friday night, she spent the night with a friend. The rest of the crew spent the night in one room (our usual Friday night "party" over here!). When Andrew realized that Savannah was not going to be there w/ him, he said "It's just not as much fun without Savannah." She is well-loved and honored as the oldest "smartest" one. Everyone loves for Savannah to read them stories and play with them.

The second oldest of our crew, Andrew, is doing really well. The longer he's here, the more the walls fall down. I'm seeing a child emerge from behind the big tough guy walls. Last night I saw him cry for the first time. He was playing with one of my little hand-held weights that I use to work out & dropped it on his finger. OUCH! Two weeks ago, I suspect he would've sucked up the tears & acted like a soldier...but last night, he was a little boy! He came & snuggled in my lap, let me kiss his booboo & was able to be a little kid. What a blessing! I pray that those walls continue to fall. He's doing well in school, making friends and generally enjoying himself. I asked him tonight if he liked living here--and made sure to tell him that he could be honest if he didn't like it. He grinned from ear to ear, yanked me down beside him with a big hug & said "Yes! Yes! I love it here!". I'm so glad.....I love having him here, too!

Next in line is Mr. Samuel. Sambo has been so easy-going about all of this. Having a brother to make those nice armpit-farting noises with is his idea of paradise. (I'm so proud.....Savannah can do it, too.) Samuel has loved sharing a room with Andrew, but thinks that Kourtney is a bratty girl. Of course, he thinks that about Savannah & Sarah too. Only in the past week have I seen Samuel start to fuss about "having" to share his room. He doesn't so much mind Andrew being there...but he wants his bed! ha!

Miss Kourtney continues to do very well, too. She still says that she doesn't like school & wants to stay at home, though. When she moved in we felt like it was best for her to continue in Pre-K since that's what she was already doing....but I hate making her go now that she's saying she wants to stay home with Sarah & I. Considering that they only have 2 months to go and Sarah is needing some private mommy time, I guess I'll let her finish out the year, but I suspect I will continue to hear complaints. :( Her teacher says she is very pleasant & has many friends and she's doing great in school....so maybe she's fine once she gets there. Last week she made up a story to tell her class about what happened to her mom. Of course, what she made up with a million times worse than the truth. I didn't know what was going on in her little mind until the teacher told me what she'd said. Yikes! We talked about it & as it turns out, she doesn't want to discuss the true story at school, so she made up something that, to her, was better than the truth. We made sure to help her understand that if she doesn't want to talk about it, she can just say so....but making up stories isn't ok. She seems to get that now. I've noticed that Kourtney has a vivid imagination & makes up a lot of stories--- someone hit her (but they weren't in the room at the time!)...someone took her toy (but she's still holding it)....things like that. I think that she's dealing with things slowly & part of her adjusting to a new home/siblings/family is trying to figure out where her "place" is in this group. Poor kiddo has a lot of "new" to adjust to!

And last is Miss Sarah. Sarah has probably had the hardest time (of my bio 3) adjusting to all of this. Before A&K arrived, she was already feeling a shift of my attention & started regressing into whining & crying (loudly!) over things. She wants to make sure that I don't forget her, so she's throwing huge fits over the smallest thing. If she can't find her shoes, oh the waterworks.......... if she can't get a shirt off, oh my gosh, warn the ambulance crews.......you get the idea. You'd think, by the size of her tears, that she's been abused & forgotten about. I've made it my goal to spend as much of my Mon/Wed/Fri days off with her as possible. Of course, I still have dishes & laundry & vacuuming & errands & such to do........but I'm trying to take her to a special lunch every Friday and spend lots of time playing games with her and coloring pictures together, etc. With the increased focused attention, she's starting to move back in the direction of my "old Sarah". She is such a precious sweetie....I hate to see her feeling like we've forgotten her.

As for Larry & I, we're doing ok. Larry has really stepped up & begun helping me out more at home. It's not uncommon to see him working on a load of laundry before he leaves for work in the morning or emptying the dishwasher when he comes home or overseeing a shower in the bathroom at night. Good daddy! I'm doing alright, too. The initial adjustment phase seems to have passed & things are getting back to normal now. That's not to say that we were ever really normal anyway (ha ha!), but things are moving in the right direction....and that is good.

Galatians 6:9 "Do not grow weary in doing what is right, for at the proper time, you will reap the harvest if you don't give up."

Matthew 11:28 & 30 "Come to me all who labor and are heavily burdened & I will give you rest......for my yoke is easy & my burden is light."

Luke 18:17 "Suffer not the little children....let them come unto me."

Hebrews 10:25 "Don't forsake the gathering together with believers."

Having a great family of believers surrounding us on all sides is such a blessing. Thank you for your continued prayers and all the encouragement you offer us each time we're with you. It is not going unnoticed!

For those of you who've asked for specific prayer requests, here ya go.

For Savannah--continued understanding of the task we've taken on as a family and the compassion to help us in this journey.

For Andrew--he appears to be very close to a deeper understanding of God's love for him. Please pray that he will go beyond that simple understanding to a full relationship with Christ. Pray for him to reach a place where he can really mourn his mom's death and the "loss" of his dad. He will answer questions about it now if he's asked but doesn't volunteer the conversation.

For Samuel--to continue being flexible & loving with his new siblings.

For Kourtney--to grow to enjoy school.

For Sarah--greater understanding of the circumstances and to "grow" back to the place she was before.

For Larry & I-- to be able to continue ministering at Rose Heights as effectively as we did prior to our new family changes and to assimilate the kids into that lifestyle easily. For continued strength & boldness every day.