interesting...

This afternoon when we got home from church, Savannah got all upset about something.  She was having a hard time calming down.  She had tears dripping off her cheeks onto her shirt & was having a hard time breathing (almost like hyperventilating).  Toward the end of her crying jag, she said "are you going to make me go back to a whole pill?".  Odd that she'd even think of that in the middle of being upset.  I hadn't mentioned it to her at all!

We talked for a while about anxiety & how it doesn't mean she's weird or strange or stupid or bad....it's just something she has to deal with.  Just like a diabetic would take insulin or a person with a headache would take Tylenol, people who have anxiety & depression struggles take medicine to help with that.  She talked about how her friends don't even know she has anxiety because they've never seen her like this....but then she went onto say they wouldn't understand it.  She finally calmed down & sighed....and said, "I guess I need my medicine."  She wants to try a few more days at the smaller dose, but she's understanding that things are getting more difficult in the afternoons & if SHE can see it & sees a need for the medicine, then I think we may just plan on going back to the full dose in a few days.

I just found it interesting that she's old enough to really "get" all this & see the need HERSELF, which is quite different from me pointing it out to her.  Very mature of her, don't ya think?

Update on Savannah

Several of you have asked about what kind of medicine Savannah takes.  She is on Zoloft for Anxiety.  Sorry...I guess I assumed everyone could read my mind & already knew that.  I suppose some of you do, but I can't remember who knows what about us or where you came into our lives along the path, so feel free to ask questions.  Let me see if I can briefly catch you all up!

 

Savannah was a very difficult baby/toddler.  Even as an infant, I knew something was wrong.  I could never put my finger on it, though.  Call it Mother's Intuition or whatever, but I knew there was something going on with my baby girl.  She's always been extremely emotional, very high and very low dips.  I remember telling the doctor that she's either here (with my hand wayyyy up over my head) or here (with my hand down by my knees)...there's no in between.  At one point, I questioned whether she might be Bipolar because of the extremes in her moods.  Of course, when you know there is something "up" with your child, you read everything you can get your hands on & so we considered a lot of things in all the research we did during those early years--- Sensory Integration problems, Asperger's (high functioning autism), ADD, bipolar, Oppositional Defiance, OCD....lots of things.  We kept plugging forward trying to figure out what was up with our little lady, watching her develop along the way.  I remember being AMAZED when she finished her very first church Christmas program--she'd actually made it through the program without freaking out & breaking down to cry on the stage.  I sat there in the service with tears running down my cheeks, and then went to hide in the bathroom because I had to 'get it all out'.  People just didn't understand how HUGE of a thing it was for her to do that.  It was a major victory in my book.  When she was 7, things really hit the "we've GOT to find out what's going on" point.  She was in 2nd grade, having numerous daily panic attacks in school, completely melting down over the most minor issues, saying she wanted to die, crying at the drop of a hat.  She became painfully shy (especially in school) & very introverted.  It was so hard to watch her like that b/c she looked like she was dying inside every day.  When her glasses broke, she walked around with her hands over herface because she was fearful of what people would say about her face without her glasses.  She was really obsessed with it so we got the glasses fixed as quickly as possible, but that meant taking her to school a little late (after we got them fixed).  She was panicked that she'd fail the entire grade for going to school late that one day!  There were times when she'd curl into a ball on her bed & sob for 2 solid hours over accidentally tearing a piece of paper.  She was a SEVERE perfectionist, needing everything around her to be totally "in line" all the time.  (That's when we considered whether or not she might be OCD).  When it started effecting her ability to function normally, we knew it was time to figure out what was going on.  We found an psychiatrist who is awesome with her!  We sat & watched him interview her and it just about killed us.  She sat on his couch, pulling off the cushions to build a little "wall" around herself.  She sat inside the pillow cushions to answer questions & if a pillow fell, she would retrieve it & put it back in place before she could continue talking.  It was like she had to have that little protective barrier in place to feel comfortable talking.  When she finally came out of her couch cushion "fort", she came over & curled up in my lap and hid her face in my hair to finish talking to him.  It was as if she was scared of talking without some sort of 'security' there next to her.  It was so painful to see our child like that, but it was also very eye-opening.  She described fears of me dying, fears of tornadoes (we'd never had a tornado or even much of a strong storm, so that was a surprise), fears of all sorts of things that we were really suprised by.  Anyway, I could go on & on, but what it boils down to is that she was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  She does have some OCD habits, but they're not severe & don't really effect her ability to function in normal situations.  This page describes her soooo well (how she is without meds), I'll just let ya read it:  Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

 

And so, since she was 7, she's taken Zoloft.  It's been such a sweet transformation to watch her respond to the meds.  What a HUGE difference Zoloft has made in her life!!  She's able to cope with things sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better & able to deal with day to day life normally.  Every now & then, however, we have to experiment a little & see how she does without the medicine (or at least with a smaller dose).  When A&K moved in, she was under a TON of pressure & stress, so we temporarily up'd her dose to help her get through that, but by about 6 months into it, we were able to lower it again.  The last time we tried to wean her off the medicine, it was a complete disaster.  That was 2 years ago, so we're trying again.  The trouble is, puberty will either make her anxiety tons better or tons worse.  The wild & crazy hormones will either trigger her brain to start producing enough seratonin ........ or they will mess with her brain chemisty even further & the anxiety could turn into full blown depression.  Unfortunately, all of this is hereditary.  Larry's side of the family all deal with anxiety and/or depression, so it's not going to just go away.  She won't ever entirely outgrow it & it's very likely that her children will deal with it, too.  We're praying that puberty will bring a great reduction in her anxiety symptoms!

 

We're now at the end of the 2nd week with her at a 1/2 dose.  The first week was questionable---she was very weepy & moody, but that seemed to 'level out' at the end of the week.  The 2nd week has mostly been good, but the last couple of days have left me wondering.  By the afternoon/early evening, it's like the 1/2 a pill dose has worn off & she spends the evenings crying over the littlest things.  Today she got upset about something & just couldn't calm down.  She wasn't throwing a fit/tantrum...she just couldn't relax after getting upset.  An hour later, she was still sniffling & sucking air (as we call it...you know that short, fast sucking-in sound kids make when they're crying).  Maybe her body had enough of the med built up in her system to get through that first week without too much trouble....and now it's down to just what she takes each day (which might not be enough?).  I don't know.  I'm not a doc, but it makes sense to me in my head!  I'm going to give her a few more days & if this pattern of losing it in the afternoons continues, I'm going to call the doc & get his opinion.  He said Icould call if I had a question/concern, so I think I just might.  I don't want to still be doing this (wondering whether it's working or not) when we leave for vacation.  I'd rather know what we're doing by then!

 

On an upside------we registered Savannah for dance today!  She's taking Jazz (only).  She's very excited to get started again!  We're hoping that Sarah will watch Savannah's dance class & decide she wants to take dance again, too.  She did SUCH a good job last year (especially twirling) so I hate to see her give it up entirely, but she's determined (for now anyway) that she doesn't want to do it this year.  She can still jump in later if she changes her mind....so we'll see.

 

Whew....I guess this is enough of a novel for now, so I'll hush.  Sleep well!  It's bedtime!

Samuel's funny comment today

I had a little giggle today & thought I'd share with ya.  As usual, my funny story is from something Samuel said.  :)

On Monday afternoon when we picked up Sarah from her first day at day camp, we were waiting in the car line when a lady wearing a tiny little halter top walked down the sidewalk beside us to pick up her child.  Larry commented on how the lady's shirt didn't look much bigger than a napkin.  We all talked about modesty and how important it is.  The funny thing is, we really don't have to address it much with our kids because they've never really been around immodest people, so it just seems "weird" to them to dress that way (hallelujah).

So the week has gone on, each day at 1:00 dropping off Sarah & every afternoon at 4:00, going to pick her up at the same location.  Every day Samuel & Savannah have been in the car with me.  Today however was different.  When we pulled up to pick up Sarah, Samuel was eyeballing the sidewalk up & down the street.  He said "Mama, where is she?"  Thinking that he was talking about his sister, I said "She's still inside, honey.  They don't bring her out until we pull up to the door."  He acted like he was confused, but took me at my word.  When we pulled up to the door, I put the nametag sign in the window for the teachers & they walked Sarah out.  About the time I shut the door (thank goodness the door was closed!), Samuel asked me again "Where is she???".  When I asked him WHO, he said "Napkin Lady!"

It took me a minute to realize who he was talking about before I cracked up!  The little knucklehead!  I guess it just goes to show....he's a BOY!

and now for a funny entry

 Jeff Foxworthy's Take on Teachers

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER?  Well, you might be a teacher if....... 

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.

3. You walk into a store and hear the words "It's Ms/Mr. _________" and know you have been spotted.

4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.

5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.

6. You've trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep period.

7. You start saving other people's trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.

8. You believe the teachers' lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.

9. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 7 to 3 and have summers off."

10. You believe chocolate is a food group.

11. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

12. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

13. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.

15. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

16. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

17. You can't pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!

18. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a "good choice or a bad choice."

19. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.

20. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer.

 

and finally...
21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or her parents.

 

News on Andrew & Kourtney

Yesterday we received a big brown envelope full of paperwork in the mail from Jerry & Betty's attorney.  We knew they'd located one & were getting things started for the custody transfer, but weren't sure how long it would take before we'd hear from the attorney.  I had anticipated this being a really hard thing emotionally...but I'm okay.  Really, I am.  I will always have a HUGE soft spot in my heart for the kids & will forever wish things had turned out differently.  Mother's Day will always be hard, as will other milestone dates that relate to the kids, but I am at peace with how things are.  I know God is running the show & things are as they are supposed to be.

The more than time passes, the more God has given me a greater understanding of things.  I guess I knew these things all along, but I'm understanding now what God had in store for us the whole time.  He had a plan & a purpose for mine & Larry's involvement with Andrew & Kourtney.  You see... the kids needed a place of security & stability immediately after their mom's death & their dad's imprisonment.  They needed a home, they needed boundaries & rules & lots of love & nurturing.  They needed "parents" who could fill a gap during a time of need.  There were a lot of needs there.  While I never planned on their stay being temporary, God had it all figured out from day 1 & knew that, when the time was right, He would have them move on.  But before doing that, He  needed us to show them HIM.  They were filled with Scripture, prayed over, annointed & blessed.  They were taught about God & church & praise/worship.  They were given a very clear path to Christ in our home.  They were given opportunities & were able to see what a 'normal' family operates like.  Now, please understand I am NOT tooting my horn.  I'm sure we fouled up plenty along the way, but we were able to serve the purpose God had in store for us by providing A&K a place of security during a very scary time in their lives.  Had they moved immediately to Jerry & Betty's house, their lives would be different today.  We may not know until eternity what difference we made in their lives, but I know that we were obediant to God & that He is pleased with what we did.  And really, that's all the reward I need---knowingthat He is pleased with me for obediance.

So anyway, we got the custody paperwork.  Larry will took it to the office today & ran copies of it all before signing it & putting it back into the mail to the lawyer.  Of course, it's not finalized yet, but it will be in a few more months.  At that time, I'm sure that Larry & I will make a quick trip to Victoria to go to court & make it all 'official', but for now, we can rest in knowing that the process has been started.

I wrote this letter to the kids a couple weeks ago.  It really does express how I'm feeling now.  (Since I've recently been asked that very question, I hope this answers it for those of you who've wondered.)

July 6, 2007

Andrew & Kourtney,

In February 2006, my family grew by 2 kids. (YOU TWO!) Right away, I wanted you to feel at home, to feel like you'd become a part of our family & our lives. I think we did an OK job of making sure you felt comfortable with us. But in the time it took to make you feel comfortable here, something else happened. I grew to love you guys like my own kids.

I dremt of Kourtney's dance recitals & her wedding day and the day that Andrew becomes an engineer or a bull rider (ha ha). Andrew, remember all the nights we spent snuggling in your bed, talking & reading books, acting silly & laughing? Of course I'm sure we'll both never forget "It's HOT in Topeka!" Kourtney, remember all the silly stories we made up together & all the nights you woke up & came to cuddle with me after a bad dream? Remember drawing pictures for your mom & tying them to balloons to float up to Heaven? Remember the cross we put up in Elkhart for your mom? Remember our neighbors--(i'm not including those kids' names here, but they were in the letter)? We have lots of good memories, don't we?

The truth is, I still love you both very much! My heart still hurts a little every time I think of all our happy memories together, but I know that God has a different plan for your lives & He's moved you to where He needs you to be. From what I hear, things are going great in Victoria & you have all sorts of fun things to do! (To tell ya the truth, I'm a little jealous about the trampoline!) Sure, I'm sad that you can't be here with us, but I am happy you are with your Uncle Jerry & Aunt Betty because that's a better place for you. Your mom would be so happy to know that you are living with her brother! Just like when you lived here, I'm sure there will be times when you wish you could go somewhere else, and that's ok, because deep down inside you know that Jerry & Betty love you with all their hearts and want what is best for you. And so do Larry & I and Pappaw Jim and Mammy and Mammaw and your dad and Aunt Debbie.

I loved the time that I got to share my home & my heart with you. Thank you for being my "kids" for the 13 months you were here. I will always be here for you, so feel free to call or write or email anytime. Jerry & Betty have our phone numbers & address, so just tell them when you want to get in touch and they'll help you find us one way or the other.

Now it's time for me to go, so give each other a great big hug for me & be sweet to Jerry and Betty and B (their son--I'm also not including his name here for privacy reasons). Tell your mom's parents HELLO for me the next time you see them and give them a big hug, too!

I'll write more later & tell you about what's going on here, but for now I just wanted to make sure you know that I love you and always will.

Enjoy the rest of your summer and make sure to write us at the end of the summer & tell us about what all you did!

LOVE YOU BUNCHES,

Aunt Liz

P.S. I have your boxes of stuff packed up & will ship them next week. (baby books, pictures & stuff from the drawers in my closet)

med taper

Today is day 6 of Savannah being on 1/2 a pill.  (12.5 mg/day)  She has been more weepy/moody this week, but maybe another week at 1/2 a pill per day will help her even out. 

We want her to get by on the lowest effective dose, but when this is working, I hate to mess with it further.  I know I should, though.  I just don't want to see her 'crash' & hit the depressed/wanting to die/constant panic attack thing that she had prior to meds.  I think I'm going to give her another week of this lower dose & if she continues to have no struggles, we might go to 1/2 a pill ever other day.

Boy...this is tough stuff.

Savannah's medicine taper

hmm....today has made me wonder.....  She's been real weepy & very moody all day.  I am going to leave her at 1/2 a pill per day for now, but I am questioning if this will work.  Pray for my sweetie, ok?