Welcome to counseling 101. Or rather, listening 101 for you. I don't necessarily need feedback or answers to anything here. I just need to vent & talk through my feelings today. Thanks for being a listening ear (err....reading eyes ha ha). I wrote this early this morning, and then tonight's update is at the bottom below the line of asterisks. So here ya go:
Thurs April 12 8:30am
I have to be honest. I haven't felt much like posting recently. I guess I've avoided it sort of. I've typed up entries several times & then don't post them because it just doesn't seem like the right time. Everyone wants to know how we're doing & how things are around the house now these days and I struggle with what answer to give. I really was fine, until the past few days.
Am I at peace with our decision? yes
Do I still believe we made the right choice? unfortunate as it is, yes
Is the stress level around the house better? Oh gosh, yes!
Do I miss the kids like crazy? YES!! A thousand times, YES!
But I'm stuck in this weird place emotionally. I wouldn't say I'm numb. It's just hard to know what to feel really. On one hand, I'm relieved. The stress level & frustration in my home is so drastically changed you wouldn't believe it. The kids are calmer, our schedule is calmer. There is soooo much less fighting & yelling & screaming. No one is walking around in fear of being hurt and of course that's a huge thing -- especially for Savannah. But the pain of letting them go & moving on without them is overwhelming. I know they didn't die, but it sort of feels that way...and moving on with our lives without them here is hard. I feel like I should be packing 5 kids' lunches every day. I still get out 5 kid-sized plates & cups at mealtimes. When I'm going through backpacks in the evening, I keep searching for Andrew & Kourtney's and having to remember over & over that it's not here & they're not going to live here any more. It just seems so weird to be without them. But then I'm slammed with this weird guilt over the relief we all feel since thingsare easier & calmer around here. Like I'm doing them a disservice or being disrespectful to them by realizing that life is smoother without them. And I don't like feeling torn like that!
I guess the thing is, just like with my own bio kids, I looked at Andrew & Kourtney as permanent fixtures in our home, not as guests that were here short-term. I honestly felt like they were my OWN. I never considered them as less than the children I gave birth to, but held them tightly in my arms and my heart. I suppose I could've given them less of my time, attention, love, money, etc....but then they would've always felt like this was all just temporary & I wanted to have them feel at home and learn to love us as family. (We ARE family, but you know what I mean.) Having to let go of all the long-term plans & dreams & hopes I had for them (as members of our family) has been so hard. I have a couple of girlfriends who've lost children to stillbirth, cancer, or other illnesses & they all agree that this is how they felt at the death of their child. (That's not to say that I can imagine the depth of that pain at all....but there is a lot of similarities here.) As a parent, and I think more specifically as a mom, having to reach a point where you say "I can't fix this" or "I can't make things better for you" is tough. Admitting our limitations & understanding that we're NOT God & can't cure every boo-boo or heal every hurt is so incredibly painful b/c as moms, that's our "job". We live our lives to make our babies comfortable & teach them to survive in a crazy world.......but to realize there are some problems that are out of our reach that we can't fix --- this is the issue I'm facing. I know I didn't cause Andrew's problems and I didn't make them worse during his year here, but I soooo totally believed that we'd be a part of his healing. As a parent, I was always believing that we were 'rescuing' him. And in a way, I know we did. For the year he was here, we were the lifeguards, the ones tossing him the life raft & pulling him in day after day. But I came to a point where I tossed out the life raft with all my strength & watched it float out of his reach .... and then I had to watch him drift away, out of my protective grip. I feel like I have days where I'm standing onthe "shore", screaming for someone to grab him & bring him back to shore and no one is listening. I realize that there are new lifeguards in Andrew & Kourtney's lives now, but everything in my mama's heart still wants to swim them to safety & watch over them.
I guess I'm just grieving still. And ya know...grief sucks. Sorry, there's just no other way I can think of to put it. I've grieved other kinds of losses, but this one just really hurts on a different level than the others I've felt. I have never lost a child to death & I pray I never do because *this* is as close as I've ever been and it's really overwhelming at times. I knew it would come in waves & I suppose right now I'm having a hard time with things. I thought I had this "licked" in the past few weeks, but then I see the 1 month mark coming up (since they left) and it hits me in the face again. I was comfortable & calm about the whole situation and have been walking around feeling pretty good.....and then the past few days, I'm struck with this tug of war in my heart and it's like starting all over again. Ten steps forward, 2 steps back. Like a punch in the gut after feeling like you've got the victory all tied up.
The funny thing is...and it's really not funny at all..... the kids will probably grow up & not even remember their year here. They've moved so many times that when they describe their childhood to their kids, they'll graze over living here just like the billion other places they've lived. This was just one place of many, many homes. I have to believe it was something special, something different than what they had before, but still it was only 13 months. And out of a lifetime of moves, 1 year isn't that big of a deal. Maybe I'm wrong in that & they will have fond memories of living here, but ya know, most people don't have huge memories of the early years of their lives. I know their departure from our home has been harder on me (us) than it has been them. Or I suspect so, anyway. We really haven't heard from them much since they left but what I have heard sounds positive. Sounds like they're adjusting & doing just fine.
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I wrotethis (above) before work this morning but didn't have time to finish it. I saved it as it is & planned to come home & cry some more & finish writing it tonight. Throughout the day, the kids were on my mind, but I flooded my quiet moments with Paul Baloche worship music. The Bible says that God inhabits the praises of His people. I know this is true & today, I needed God's presence, so I praised Him all day!! It wasn't just half-hearted, half-focused praise, but true worship. The kind where you feel like you're kneeling at the foot of the throne, grasping the hem of his robe holding on for dear life because it's all you can do to keep yourself upright. Paul Baloche music always tends to work for me on that level, so that's what I stuck with. Between that & the prayers of someone out there (or several someones!), I made it through the day & left work this afternoon feeling a lot better than I did this morning. The grief hit harder this morning than it has been lately & I was trying to stay afloat when I wrote the part above. Thank you for covering me in prayers today---whoever was praying!
Tonight Sarah pulled her first tooth & in the excitement, she wanted to call Kourtney & tell her about it. It was a little late (just past 8:00, which is normally the kids' bedtime) but I hoped they'd still be awake. Kourtney did her trademark "eeeeee!" squeal when Sarah told her she'd pulled a tooth. We talked for a while about her friends at school and things at home. She asked me if I could come down & go on a field trip with her & it was all I could do to say no. (Talk about another punch in the gut!) She had this sad voice & wanted me to be there with her so bad. Gosh I wish they didn't live so far away. :(
I got to talk to Betty after I talked to the kids. It seems that all is going well. They handle things differently than us & in time, I'm sure they'll muddle through & figure everything out just fine. It's hard to hear them talk about doing things differently b/c I want to parent the kids long-distance & I know I can't do that. Just another example of having to offer the kids to God & let Him handle all the details from here on out. I know He can do it & doesn't need my help.
I better get going. I was up late last night & it's already 11:00pm. I'm headed to bed soon but wanted to make this post tonight. Sorry for the gap between posts, but I hope you understand.
