Monday, April 30, 2007

Time to update my loyal readers....

....all 5 of you, that is.  LOL!

Seriously though, we've been doing really well.  This weekend we went to the zoo.  The kids loved it.  We ended up buying a zoo membership & are looking forward to using it a lot!  The kids always enjoy zoo trips so it's cool that we can now go for free (well at least for the next year anyway).

On Friday night, we took the kids to see High School Musical.  The junior high theater department put the show on at the High School theater & we live right beside the HS, so we couldn't miss it!  We all had a good time.  The show was really cute & we were amazed at the talent of a bunch of 7th & 8th graders!  They did a great job.

The kids are anxiously making it through the last day of April today.  They're excited that, as of tomorrow, they're in the last month of school!  I'm excited, too!  We always have great summers here and I enjoy having all my babies home finally.  I'm not so excited as to pursue homeschooling (ha!) but do love having them home for the summer.  :)

Today is also the day that Savannah will get to begin choosing her electives for school next year.  This fall, she will be in 6th grade which is the age where you change classes 5-6x throughout the day & have a locker & get to choose some of your classes for the first time.  She's really excited about that.  I remember the excitement I felt when I was that age, so I know how happy she is!  Larry & I have a parent meeting to explain all the transitions tonight.  Then we get to sit down with her & start trying to figure out what electives she wants to do, which classes she wants to pursue as "honors" classes, etc.  WooHoo!  This will be fun.  (Yes...I know...the little things really get me excited!)

Tomorrow begins my final month w/ my class at school.  It's hard to believe that this (school) year is almost over!  I won't mention my students' names or share a pic (as I'm sure some of their parents wouldn't want their child's name/face broadcast on my blog), but I have a special spot in my heart for each of these kiddos....but I must admit, I'm ready for my summer break, too.  It's been a stressful year.

And as for an update on Andrew & Kourtney, because I know you're wondering how they are!  The last time I talked to them was the week that Sarah pulled her tooth (so I guess it's been almost 2 weeks now).  They seem to be ok.  Like I mentioned before, there are things that I wish I could do for Jerry & Betty, but at the same time, I know I have to let go & allow them to figure out A&K's lives from here on out.  So I am trusting God to take care of all the little details that I want to intervene & "fix" for them.  This is part of an email I sent to my mother in law last week:

"I still can't believe that the time we had with Andrew & Kourtney is over.  I feel like 1/2 of my heart went with them to Victoria.  Every time I talk to them, my heart breaks a little again.  They're doing fine, but I want to mama them.  I want to hold them & rock Kourtney & snuggle Andrew at bedtime.  I want to sit and talk with them & learn more about their dreams and their hopes and their memories.  I want to giggle with them & tickle them.  I want to kiss their foreheads while they sleep.  I want to take pictures of them being silly.  I want to paint Kourtney's toenails & fold paper airplanes w/ Andrew.  I never expected that they'd leave, so I guess the biggest hurt is knowing that I wasn't able to "fix" everything for them....I wasn't able to "cure" everything.  And I wanted to.  So badly!

Kourtney called me Mama.  I pray that Betty isn't just a loving aunt in her life, but that she can become "mama" for Kourtney, too.  She needs a mommy so bad.
 
Andrew needs so much nurturing & care. I pray that he's getting it.  I pray that Jerry isn't just an uncle who he's living with but a true father-figure for him.
 
God keeps reminding me that He can handle all the details.  He could make the earth & spin the planets in orbit.....He could fashion the stars & pin them to the sky.......He was able to breathe life into my children and He tells the Sun when to shine.  He puts the moon in the sky at night & makes it glow into my window.  He can pull the oceans into the shoreline & push them back in giant waves.  If He can handle all this, and still has time to hear my prayers and feed the birds and protect the billion Texas squirrels from speeding Mazdas ......He can surely handle the details of the lives of 2 children who need His care.  I have to trust that He doesn't need ME to figure out the details of their lives and He doesn't need ME to continue worrying over them.  If I could do a better job than Him, He wouldn't be much of a GOD would He?
 
But just the same, I was their mama for a time & part of me always will be.  I suspect He understands that, too."
 
Anyway....so there's my update.  I don't know a whole lot about their lives right now other than the fact that they're doing ok & still getting settled into a new home & life.  It won't be easy for them to get comfortable with a new place all over again, but it wasn't easy here, either.  They'll get there though.  And I have to trust God to get us there too.  It was hard stretching our lives to include two more...and it'll be a while before I don't worry about them all the time.......but we'll get there.  :)

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Nichole Nordeman

Last week, I kept hearing a "new" Nichole Nordeman song on the radio.  As it turns out, it isn't new.  In fact, it's sorta old, but it was new to me.  It's on her new CD, the "best of" collection.  Anyway, it's called "Holy".  As I listen to it, I am so moved by the words.  Mrs. Nordeman is very gifted & talented.  She writes most of her music herself & is able to put into words things that most of us never even think of, but when you see it or hear it in her songs, it makes so much sense & you think "Why didn't I think of that?".  Anyway, I bought the CD Friday night when I was grocery shopping & it's got several really awesome songs on it & many others that I'm sure I'll end up loving, too.  I'm including 2 below (the lyrics, that is).  One is called "Legacy" & it's one of my favorites of her music.  The other one is "Holy" that I mentioned above.  Both have such a beautiful truth to them.  Read on...and if you want to hear them, let me know & you can borrow my CD. 

Legacy
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
 
chorus
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

 
 
Holy
how many roads did i travel before i walked down one that led me to you?
and how many dreams did unravel before i beleived in a hope that was true?
how long? how far?
what was meant to fulfill only emptied me still and all you ever wanted....
 
Chorus
only me
on my knees
singing holy,holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy,holy

how many deaths did i die before i was awakened to new life again?
how many half truths did i bear witness to til the proof was disproved in the end?
how long? how far?
what was meant to illuminate only shadowed me still and all you ever wanted...
chorus
only me
on my knees
singing holy,holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy,holy

and all i have is gratitude to offer you

and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy,holy

only me
on my knees
singing holy,holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy,holy

you are holy

holy

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Spring Fever

It's hard to believe this school year is almost over!  The kids have about 5 weeks of school left & then it's SUMMER!!!  We always have a great summer around here, so I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of summertime.

Like last year, all 3 kids will attend one of the Discovery Science Place's day camps.  I'll gladly share which ones they're attending for you local folks if you're hoping to register your kiddie too!

Savannah will be going to church camp again at Camp His Way.  She's soooo excited about that.

Samuel will be going to Cub Scout Day Camp at TJC & a basketball day camp at the high school.

We'll be making weekly trips to one of the Tyler-area parks and at least 1 playdate each week with friends/family.

Crafts, playing at home, riding bikes, watching some TV........whew......the summer's filling up already!

Now if we can just get the spring session of school to end!  :)

Monday, April 16, 2007

All I want for Christmas......

Sarah pulled 2 teeth in the past few days!  It's so cute to see her tiny little smile with 2 missing lower front teeth.  And here's the funny part.  She lost BOTH of them by pretending to be a puppy & biting on Savannah's clothes.  One came out on Thursday & the other other came out yesterday afternoon.  We jokingly told her (yesterday morning) that she ought to go bite Savannah shirt again to get the 2nd tooth out.....and then she did!  ha ha!  The little stinker!

All is well around here........just hanging in there & watching the kids grow.  :)

I posted this to my myspace blog yesterday, but thought I'd share here, too.  (By the way, if you want to see my myspace page, let me know & I'll send you the link.)

This morning, the 3rd-5th grade choir sang w/ the adult choir in our praise & worship service.  They sang right along w/ the regular worship music, not special "kid" music or anything.  The focus of the service was having all ages worship together.  Anyway, I was working in the nursery so I got a pager & sat on the backrow of the church to see them sing & then went back to the nursery.  (My co-worker in the nursery did great w/ the 5 kids while I was gone, by the way!)  Anyway, I was blown away.  Ya know, it took me til I was in my early 20s to really understand worship.  I mean, I grew up in a conservative church where raising your hands/swaying/closing your eyes to really get "into" the presence of God just wasn't done.  I never really saw anyone do that until I was older.  Anyway, it took me a while to feel comfortable raising my hands to God, but let me tell ya.......how freeing!
 
I was blown away watching the kids' choir---mind you, they're all between 8 & 11years old, roughly.  About 1/2 of them had their hands raised & their eyes closed as they worshiped.  The adult choir (who were standing behind them) had tears rolling down their cheeks watching them.  Wow!  How cool that they didn't care what others thought or how they looked but submitted themselves to God.  I am soooo excited that we're in a church where my kids see that all the time & don't think anything of it!!!!!!
 
When they were singing "Amazing Love", I started crying watching all the kids.  Beautiful!!!!!!!!  Someone asked me later why I teared up.  I jokingly said that I'm a big sap....put my baby on stage doing jumping jacks & I'm gonna tear up!  :)  But seriously, seeing her WORSHIP God, not just pay Him lip service....wow....blew me away.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Want to help?

I'm sorry.....my brain was a tad fried last month when I asked this question before.....so I can't remember who wanted to help me.  If you had agreed to help me print out all the journal for the kids, email me please.  It's Lizreeves2@aol.com if you don't have my email address.

For those who didn't read the first post, my plan is to print out the entire journal from Feb 06 when they moved in til probably the end of this month.  I'll take it to Kinko's & have it bound for them (like a book) & put it into their memory boxes for them to have as adults.  Because I couldn't possibly afford that much ink for my own printer and because our printer is weird, I had asked for volunteers to help me by printing out a portion of the journal for me.  If there are enough people willing to help, no one will have to print more than a few month's worth of entries.  Keep in mind, some months I posted a lot.  Other months I may've only had 4 or 5 entries (& no pictures) all month long.

So if you can help & want to, please let me know.  I'd like to get started on this project.  THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I hate grief cycles!

 
Welcome to counseling 101.  Or rather, listening 101 for you.  I don't necessarily need feedback or answers to anything here.  I just need to vent & talk through my feelings today.  Thanks for being a listening ear (err....reading eyes  ha ha).  I wrote this early this morning, and then tonight's update is at the bottom below the line of asterisks.  So here ya go:
 
Thurs April 12 8:30am 
I have to be honest.  I haven't felt much like posting recently.  I guess I've avoided it sort of.  I've typed up entries several times & then don't post them because it just doesn't seem like the right time.  Everyone wants to know how we're doing & how things are around the house now these days and I struggle with what answer to give.  I really was fine, until the past few days.
 
Am I at peace with our decision?  yes
Do I still believe we made the right choice?  unfortunate as it is, yes
Is the stress level around the house better?  Oh gosh, yes!
Do I miss the kids like crazy?  YES!!  A thousand times, YES!
 
But I'm stuck in this weird place emotionally.  I wouldn't say I'm numb.  It's just hard to know what to feel really.  On one hand, I'm relieved.  The stress level & frustration in my home is so drastically changed you wouldn't believe it.  The kids are calmer, our schedule is calmer.  There is soooo much less fighting & yelling & screaming.  No one is walking around in fear of being hurt and of course that's a huge thing -- especially for Savannah.  But the pain of letting them go & moving on without them is overwhelming.  I know they didn't die, but it sort of feels that way...and moving on with our lives without them here is hard.  I feel like I should be packing 5 kids' lunches every day.  I still get out 5 kid-sized plates & cups at mealtimes.  When I'm going through backpacks in the evening, I keep searching for Andrew & Kourtney's and having to remember over & over that it's not here & they're not going to live here any more.  It just seems so weird to be without them.  But then I'm slammed with this weird guilt over the relief we all feel since thingsare easier & calmer around here.  Like I'm doing them a disservice or being disrespectful to them by realizing that life is smoother without them.  And I don't like feeling torn like that!
 
I guess the thing is, just like with my own bio kids, I looked at Andrew & Kourtney as permanent fixtures in our home, not as guests that were here short-term.  I honestly felt like they were my OWN.  I never considered them as less than the children I gave birth to, but held them tightly in my arms and my heart.  I suppose I could've given them less of my time, attention, love, money, etc....but then they would've always felt like this was all just temporary & I wanted to have them feel at home and learn to love us as family.  (We ARE family, but you know what I mean.)  Having to let go of all the long-term plans & dreams & hopes I had for them (as members of our family) has been so hard.  I have a couple of girlfriends who've lost children to stillbirth, cancer, or other illnesses & they all agree that this is how they felt at the death of their child.  (That's not to say that I can imagine the depth of that pain at all....but there is a lot of similarities here.)  As a parent, and I think more specifically as a mom, having to reach a point where you say "I can't fix this" or "I can't make things better for you" is tough.  Admitting our limitations & understanding that we're NOT God & can't cure every boo-boo or heal every hurt is so incredibly painful b/c as moms, that's our "job".  We live our lives to make our babies comfortable & teach them to survive in a crazy world.......but to realize there are some problems that are out of our reach that we can't fix --- this is the issue I'm facing.  I know I didn't cause Andrew's problems and I didn't make them worse during his year here, but I soooo totally believed that we'd be a part of his healing.  As a parent, I was always believing that we were 'rescuing' him.  And in a way, I know we did.  For the year he was here, we were the lifeguards, the ones tossing him the life raft & pulling him in day after day.  But I came to a point where I tossed out the life raft with all my strength & watched it float out of his reach .... and then I had to watch him drift away, out of my protective grip.  I feel like I have days where I'm standing onthe "shore", screaming for someone to grab him & bring him back to shore and no one is listening.  I realize that there are new lifeguards in Andrew & Kourtney's lives now, but everything in my mama's heart still wants to swim them to safety & watch over them.
 
I guess I'm just grieving still.  And ya know...grief sucks.  Sorry, there's just no other way I can think of to put it.  I've grieved other kinds of losses, but this one just really hurts on a different level than the others I've felt.  I have never lost a child to death & I pray I never do because *this* is as close as I've ever been and it's really overwhelming at times.  I knew it would come in waves & I suppose right now I'm having a hard time with things.  I thought I had this "licked" in the past few weeks, but then I see the 1 month mark coming up (since they left) and it hits me in the face again.  I was comfortable & calm about the whole situation and have been walking around feeling pretty good.....and then the past few days, I'm struck with this tug of war in my heart and it's like starting all over again.  Ten steps forward, 2 steps back.  Like a punch in the gut after feeling like you've got the victory all tied up.
 
The funny thing is...and it's really not funny at all..... the kids will probably grow up & not even remember their year here.  They've moved so many times that when they describe their childhood to their kids, they'll graze over living here just like the billion other places they've lived.  This was just one place of many, many homes.  I have to believe it was something special, something different than what they had before, but still it was only 13 months.  And out of a lifetime of moves, 1 year isn't that big of a deal.  Maybe I'm wrong in that & they will have fond memories of living here, but ya know, most people don't have huge memories of the early years of their lives.  I know their departure from our home has been harder on me (us) than it has been them.  Or I suspect so, anyway.  We really haven't heard from them much since they left but what I have heard sounds positive.  Sounds like they're adjusting & doing just fine.
 
*****************************************************************************************
 
I wrotethis (above) before work this morning but didn't have time to finish it.  I saved it as it is & planned to come home & cry some more & finish writing it tonight.  Throughout the day, the kids were on my mind, but I flooded my quiet moments with Paul Baloche worship music.  The Bible says that God inhabits the praises of His people.  I know this is true & today, I needed God's presence, so I praised Him all day!!  It wasn't just half-hearted, half-focused praise, but true worship.  The kind where you feel like you're kneeling at the foot of the throne, grasping the hem of his robe holding on for dear life because it's all you can do to keep yourself upright.  Paul Baloche music always tends to work for me on that level, so that's what I stuck with.  Between that & the prayers of someone out there (or several someones!), I made it through the day & left work this afternoon feeling a lot better than I did this morning.  The grief hit harder this morning than it has been lately & I was trying to stay afloat when I wrote the part above.  Thank you for covering me in prayers today---whoever was praying!
 
Tonight Sarah pulled her first tooth & in the excitement, she wanted to call Kourtney & tell her about it.  It was a little late (just past 8:00, which is normally the kids' bedtime) but I hoped they'd still be awake.  Kourtney did her trademark "eeeeee!" squeal when Sarah told her she'd pulled a tooth.  We talked for a while about her friends at school and things at home.  She asked me if I could come down & go on a field trip with her & it was all I could do to say no.  (Talk about another punch in the gut!)  She had this sad voice & wanted me to be there with her so bad.  Gosh I wish they didn't live so far away.  :(
 
I got to talk to Betty after I talked to the kids.  It seems that all is going well.  They handle things differently than us & in time, I'm sure they'll muddle through & figure everything out just fine.  It's hard to hear them talk about doing things differently b/c I want to parent the kids long-distance & I know I can't do that.  Just another example of having to offer the kids to God & let Him handle all the details from here on out.  I know He can do it & doesn't need my help.
 
I better get going.  I was up late last night & it's already 11:00pm.  I'm headed to bed soon but wanted to make this post tonight.  Sorry for the gap between posts, but I hope you understand.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

1st week of April

Looks like I've been busy this week, huh?  I guess that's good.  Staying busy tends to keep me out of trouble.  :)

On Wednesday, Samuel's class had their egg hunt.  I was due to go back to his school that afternoon & read a story but ended up going to the ER with Larry instead.  He had the weirdest thing happen.  Now, I realize that hearing anything about my family & then hearing the word "weird" is no longer a big surprise, but this time it was really weird.  He had these odd electrical shock feelings shooting down his spine & arms.  Kind of like when you wear rubber soled shoes & drag them on the carpet & then touch something & get a shock....except it was all down his spine.  Throughout the day it got worse and ended up leaving him with his pinkie fingers on both hands gone numb.  We were getting worried about it when he ended up getting struck with a mild case of food poisoning.  We didn't realize the 2 weren't connected so in a panic, we went to the doctor & she ended up sending him to the ER.  She was a little nervous too...trying to rule out an aneurysm or a stroke due to the symptoms he was describing.  Thank goodness it turns out that the 2 weren't connected.  The doc thinks that he probably has a pinched nerve that was causing the weird shock feelings.  We'll find out about that soon.

On Friday, Sarah had her class party.  That was fun!

Then the week got really odd.  Ok, let me remind you....we're in NE Texas.  It's April.  We packed away all the fall/winter clothes about 2 weeks ago.  All of them.  Every last stitch of long-sleeved clothing.  We've been wearing shorts & Tshirts/tanks for 2 weeks.  So when the temp dropped dramatically on Thursday night, it was odd.  It was pretty chilly Friday......but then Saturday morning it was REALLY cold.  Cold enough that it began to SNOW!  It wasn't just a light flurry either.  We had wind blowing HUGE snowflakes all over the place.  Very weird....  The kids had a ball, though!!!  (See pic above)

Sunday (today) was Easter.  I'm including pics of everyone above in their Easter duds.  Also, there are pics of the kids hunting eggs this evening.  Samuel was feeling sick this morning but seems all better now.

I hope everyone had a good week & a blessed Resurrection Day!