3rd week of February 2012

Whew...what a week!

On Monday, we got some wild & crazy news that shook us up a little bit. I can't go into details here, but it's been our minds a lot this week. (Don't worry---no one is sick, losing their job, having an affair, etc., just have to keep it confidential.) It has been a big topic of conversation around the house this week, between Larry & I.

On Tuesday, Sarah's class had their Valentine's Day party. Since I am the room mom, I was there to have fun with the kids. They had a cookie decorating party. Lots of icing & sprinkles piled high on their sugar cookies! Many giggles & lots of sheepish grins from 10-11 year old boys & girls as they opened their valentines and pondered the mystery of boyfriends & girlfriends when they still want to believe that the opposite sex has cooties. I was half way through the day before it hit me. This would be my final elementary Valentine's Day party. Time to really turn on the focus & take off the blinders, mama. Soak it up & enjoy it. Hard to believe this season of my life is almost over. This summer, Sarah will join the older two in our church's youth group. Good grief. I swear, folks, don't blink. It goes by too fast.


And if I wasn't already feeling enough mama-sap, Sarah turned 11 on Wednesday. Eleven! She took cupcakes to school (which she cooked & iced completely by herself) to share with her class. She's so grown up! This sweet girl blows me away every day. She is so mature & independent, but I love that she still snuggles with me on the couch when we're watching TV and finds comfort in laying on my side of my bed some nights when she just wants to lay down for a few minutes before bedtime---and she nearly always dozes off in those few minutes. And I love, love, love that she still has a pink blankie she won't travel without. It sleeps with her every night in her bed. She's right on the brink of those crazy adolescent years. I can hardly believe that in 2 years, I will have three teenagers at the same time. Good golly, wasn't I just reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" & researching the Bradley method? (Yes folks, I am one of those crazy natural birth mamas.) Wasn't I just potty training and tying shoes and walking Kindergarteners in for the first day? Geez...maybe I ought to start filling out nursing home applications. After all, I'm gonna blink & it'll be time for me to head there! Soak up the present, folks. Life speeds by at warp speed.

Last night, Sarah's longtime best friend came & spent the night. I had planned to take the girls to Chuck E. Cheese for pizza & games, but then Savannah offered something else to do afterward! She had a gift card to Bath & Body Works that she had a small balance on. (and some cash to go with it) She wanted to take both girls to the mall & visit that store to buy them something! What a sweet big sister!! (I swear, I've got the best girls in the world! And Samuel's pretty sweet, too!!) When we left B&BW, we went to Claire's where Sarah & her buddy picked out a Best Friends necklace that we bought. They are each wearing 1/2 of the necklace now. I remember buying those necklaces with my BFFs when I was a little girl. What sweet memories! We grabbed some Dippin' Dots ice cream on the way out of the mall & headed home. The girls got out their Littlest Pet Shoppe animals & played until about 10:30 last night when I told them it was time to head to bed. They layed down to watch a movie & both crashed before midnight.



Yesterday afternoon, Larry & Samuel left on a Scout camping trip. It rained all night last night & most of the day today. At 7:40am this morning, I got the following text from Larry:

Wet. Tent leaked. Poncho is torn. Sam left his at home. Scouting is fun!

Ha ha!!! Poor guy. I'm sure this is a camping trip he won't soon forget --- especially since he plans to sleep in his truck tonight (to stay dry). {Note: I just texted with him. Both he & Samuel are in the truck tonight. Samuel's tent was fine, but he just wanted to be with his Dad. Sure made my heart melt to hear that. I love that kid!}

What a week it's been.

As a sweet little ending to our wild & crazy week, we received an anonymous gift certificate in the mail today that we can use for a date night next week! I love how God reveals His gentle, tender, loving nature through the people in our lives. Thank you, friend, whomever you are. What a blessing!

Just keepin' it real folks...

I don't think these 2 pictures need a caption or any sort of explanation. Every mom reading this will understand this "before" & "after" scene. This is my house. I took both pictures this morning.


Now....don't you feel better?

I know I do.

And then, 24 hours later....

If you haven't read the previous post, this one may be hard to follow.

24 hours after Lisa died, our world was turned upside down all over again. I had not yet come to terms with the idea that Lisa was really gone, but had a little peace knowing that she was in Heaven and not hurting anymore. I had every intention of making the drive to the town where Lisa lived for her funeral services, but that never happened. You see, Lisa died on a Thursday afternoon at about 4:30. At 9:30 the following morning, my brother-in-law and his wife had a wreck. Sweet Kelly did not survive. By 2:00 that afternoon, Larry & I were signing papers for the hospital to release her body to the funeral home, identifying her under a white sheet and facing some of the most grown up, surreal, shocking moments of our lives. It is the only time I've ever been the responsible adult signing that kind of paperwork after a death. I hope it is a very, very long time before I have to be that responsible adult again. We went through the motions and did what had to be done, but I felt a little robotic in doing it. It didn't occur to me until later that I was emotionless, just simply stating the facts of what was going on as we were asked, nodding my head and signing whatever was put before me. I couldn't cope with more tears & sadness that day. Plus, Larry needed me there to support him and I think that's all I could do...just function, just focus on getting him home. And as it turned out, we had little understanding of just how big a turn of events was about to happen.

It ended up working out that Kelly's & Lisa's funerals were scheduled for the same day, actually during the same hour of the day. Since family comes first, I had to forego Lisa's funeral. I'm sure she would've understood.

Losing Lisa broke my heart into a million pieces. She was my sweet girlfriend. Losing Kelly was difficult as well, because she was my sister-in-law. Though we weren't as close as Lisa & I, she was family. It was most tragic because it meant that five children lost their mothers in that short span of 24 hours. My heart could not have held one more ounce of grief in those early days after their deaths.

Fortunately, God cheered me & diverted my attention by giving me the opportunity to love & to give & to serve. You see, God had opened our hearts to adoption a few years before, but we had not yet completed the paperwork to begin the process with the State. We know now that God had different plans for us. He just had us get the paperwork started to stall us. He knew the exact children He would place in our home. He knew the plans He had for us. Plans for hope & a a future. Eight days after Kelly went to Jesus, A&K moved in with us. Our dream was to raise them. Our hope was to love them, to walk them through this season of horrifying grief---losing their parents both at once. And we did. For 13 months, they were my babies. For just over a year, they were snuggled and hugged and embraced and nursed and counseled and held.

But God had another plan in store that included another home for them. While it broke me into a thousand ugly, painful, broken pieces to have to let them go, if I could do it all over again, I would. I would love to have been able to skip over all the grief & pain that led up to adopting (or fostering...whatever it was that we did!) and I would love to skip all the sorrow & anguish that came with ending it, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

You see, it was what we were called to do. And like so many other callings on our lives, they're not always easy. The paths we must walk are covered in jagged rocks and broken tree limbs that have fallen during our storms. But God doesn't ask us to only take the smooth paths. And He never allows us to walk those hard paths alone. So while we may have to put on steel toed boots & do a lot of hard work to lift those limbs out of the way as we walk, we journey on. With Him. Because He calls us to.

Those 2 days in February 2006 were two of the worst of my life. But for the two women who were lost on those days, I will remember them every year. Lisa & Kelly, you will never be forgotten.

Gone, but never forgotten!

Six years ago tomorrow, on February 9, 2006, Lisa passed away.

Lisa was a very good friend, one of my very best friends at the time she died. She had leukemia. Twice. And twice she beat leukemia. But as is the case with most leukemia patients unfortunately, you don't ever really beat leukemia. It goes into remission sometimes, but survival is practically unheard of. Lisa had survived it, but her body was so brutally wounded from years of heavy duty medicines, chemo, bone marrow transplants and maintenance drugs that it just finally 'gave out'. I don't think anyone saw it coming. I know I didn't. At about 4:30 that afternoon, Lisa crashed on the ER table and they weren't able to revive her.

I remember standing at my kitchen sink & hearing the news. I slid down the front of the cabinets & sat on the floor with the phone still in my hand and sobbed. I couldn't believe she was really gone.

I felt like I walked around in a fog for the next 24 hours (before the next crisis struck...more about that in a later post). I sobbed until I was physically in pain that night. I drove to the grocery store out of routine & habit, but I may as well have been drugged. I don't think I brought home any semblance of normal groceries. I had to pull over twice to throw up on the drive to and from the store.

I had to put it out of my mind & "move on" the next day because of that other crisis I mentioned, but Lisa's death haunted me for over a year. It took that long for me to have time to mourn her death, to really focus on it and feel the pain and see the hole Lisa's death left in my heart. It took at least that long for me to work through all the stages of grief. Sure, I had lost relatives before, but they were old people I had expected to lose -- usually after a lengthy illness. I had known of plenty people who passed away. But with Lisa, it was different.

She was my age. (technically, she was younger than me by a few months!)
She was my very close girlfriend.
She had 3 young children roughly the same ages as my own.
She had 2 girls & 1 boy, just like me.
She was a busy wife & mama.
She just wanted to get healthy & watch her kids grow up.
She was me in so many ways.

In essence, losing Lisa was the first time I ever really experienced deep grief over the death of someone I knew. I had been sad when my grandparents died, but with Lisa, it was much more personal. I think it was the first time that it was really crystal clear that death could happen to anyone at any time.

It still haunts me today that Lisa had JUST SAID to me a couple of weeks before she died that her biggest fear was dying & leaving her kids motherless. She didn't want to leave her husband wife-less, but she was more aware of how it felt to be mother-less. Her own mom had died. She didn't want that for her kids.

Eight days before she died, she reached out to a fellow leukemia patient's family whom she had gotten to know online & sent them a card when they lost their beloved wife/mother. (That precious husband shared her card with me when I emailed to let him know that Lisa passed away.)

Just a few days before she died, she asked another friend & I for scriptures to encourage her because she was feeling sad & depressed at the loss of this lady who had been her friend---sort of her sister in the leukemia battle. Seeing her die had left her feeling discouraged about her own fight to health.

Lisa died doing all the things she loved --- seeking God for strength & comfort, being a wife to Jerry, being a mom to Lori, Hayley & Aaron, being a friend to so many! I am 100% positive that when she died Lisa went to Heaven. I am anxious to get there one day & hug her and spend eternity dancing on the streets of gold with her. I know she is far happier where she is now than she ever was here on earth, but it doesn't change the absence in our lives.

Lisa, you will never, ever be forgotten. It was my very great privilege to know you in this life. You changed me and inspired me more than you will ever know. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Until we meet again, friend..........

Book Review: I am Second

I recently agreed to read & review I am Second for booksneeze, a blogger book review program through Thomas Nelson publishers. (Click the link in my right sidebar to learn more about it.)

In reading this book, I was inspired by the many testimonies of famous people. The book tells the stories of athletes, rock stars, reality TV show participants, actors & actresses and other people who I had not previously heard of. The idea behind the I Am Second program was to involve well known people in an evangelistic tool of sorts. Unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure you've seen the commercials, billboards, youtube videos, etc.

The stories told of lives changed by God, turning away from drugs & alcohol and addictions of other kinds. Each story involves the "turning point" for that person where they realized that God had to come first and they had to put themself in 2nd place.

If you enjoy reading biographies & testimonies like I do, you will really enjoy this book! Also, at the end of each person's story, there are web links to visit for other stories with a similar "feel". I am looking forward to watching each of these videos!

Book Review: Inconceivable

I'm a total book addict, always looking for the next book to read. I find myself browsing the biography section of Amazon.com all the time. Biographies are my favorite kind of book! I usually find one that really strikes me, hunt for the cheapest of their used copies & buy it. I usually re-sell all my books on half.com after I read them. (Well, not ALL my books, but a number of them do exit the house via half.com!)

A few weeks ago, I found this one.

Inconceivable is the story of Sean & Carolyn Savage. You may have heard about them in the news in the past few years. When I mentioned reading the book to a few friends, several of them said they'd heard of them. I had not. Or at least I don't remember hearing their story in the news.

Their story is a roller coaster. After years of infertility troubles & numerous miscarriages, they attempt InVitro Fertilization. After one successful pregnancy & birth, they decided to transfer a few more of their frozen embryos and returned to the fertility clinic, anxious to get pregnant again! After taking a pregnancy test to confirm that Carolyn is pregnant, they get the devastating news that the clinic made a horrible mistake. Carolyn is pregnant with someone else's child!

Sean & Carolyn struggle emotionally & physically through 7 1/2 months of a pregnancy that takes them from the heights of joy to the depths of depression, ultimately giving birth to a healthy baby boy who they hand over to the genetic parents minutes after the birth. What a gift! What a trial to live through! What amazing people! Their story is emotional, inspiring and simply wonderful! I highly recommend this book.

I realized, after reading a little information about the news that surrounded their case when it occured, that the other couple (the baby's actual parents) have also written a book telling their side of the story. It is called 'Misconception'. You better believe it's on the way from Amazon now! I found a copy for .01!!! Gotta love cheap, used books!

The Worship Junkie Speaks....

I jokingly referred to myself as a "worship junkie" a while back. I think it fits. Give me a worship service ANY DAY, ANY TIME. I love the music part of the service where I can soak up a special part of my relationship with Jesus that nothing else in life seems to nurture in quite the same way. Reading the word & spending time in prayer & Bible study is awesome, too, but worship/music reaches a different part of me that nothing else does.

Last Sunday at church, we did a song during the worship service that has resonated with me ever since. It wasn't the first time we have done this song, but it was the first time I really 'heard' one of the lines.

That line says something like "Every step, we're breathing in your grace. Every step, we're breathing out your praise."

Seriously, it knocked my socks off. It was one of those moments when I feverishly grabbed my purse, retrieved a pen & scribbled that line on the back of my bulletin. I COULD NOT let those words go unwritten. I needed to write them so that I'd remember them later. Sometimes it's that way with a particular quote or Scripture during the sermon. But that day, it was that line. I wanted it drilled into my mind, so I wrote it. The concept of breathing in grace with every step and in turn breathing out praise --- gratitude for that grace! --- oh my soul.

The chorus of this song leaves me with my hands in the air, eyes closed & a most thankful attitude of praise for a God I can never, ever repay no matter how long I spend praising Him. But when I 'heard' the line about breathing in grace & then in turn breathing our praise, well.... wow. I was shaken & moved.

I realize that it may just be me who was so affected by the lyrics. Often what we hear in a time of worship are the lyrics that our souls need most. The words that quench the deepest part of our need for God. For whatever reason this week, it was those words that nourished me. I hope you enjoy the song, too. God bless!

This video was taken during the service I was in. You can't see me & my kids because we're off the screen to the right.