Thurs June 29

After a long day of playing & such, I was tucking everyone in tonight.  Savannah is out of town with friends, so the girls' room is a little more quiet this week.  :)  Sarah fell asleep before I ever got to the room, so I was left with just Kourtney to tuck in.  It's been a while since I got to have a nice long conversation with her, so that was fun.
Like Andrew, she wants to repeatedly hear about the day that her mom died.  I guess it's part of the grieving process to have it told & re-told.  I am not sure if they are hoping the ending will change if they ask for us to re-tell the story over & over, but whatever the reason, I told her about that sad day again.  I guess her level of grief doesn't run too deep these days, because she was babbling about something completely off the subject before I finished.  Then she started telling me about her future----
She's going to grow up, marry a boy from "Savannah's school" & have 9 babies!  I asked her if she was going to have all 9 at the same time & she said YES!  Wow, what a litter of babies to have all at once!!  She said their names would be:  Ashley, Larry, David, Frosty, Andrew, Samuel, Savannah, Sarah and Grady.  Oh, and she's going to be a ballerina teacher!  :)
What a silly girl!

June 27 Cinnamon Rolls & Pickles

LOL!  How'd you like that title?

On Sunday, I worked & worked to get a big jar of pickles opened, but never was successful.  Later on, Larry got it opened for me.  The kids had all wanted a pickle at lunchtime, but had to miss it b/c I couldn't get the jar opened.  Fast forward two days.... This morning, after a nice hot breakfast of cinnamon rolls, Kourtney pipes up & says: "Hey!  Did you ever get the pickle jar open?".  Yes, I did.  "Can I have one??"  LOL!  I cracked up at the idea that she'd want a PICKLE after having a cinnmon roll!  The kids all decided that sounded like a good idea, so at 8:15 this morning, they were all eating cinnamon rolls & pickles.  (GAG---strange kids!)

Today we drove Savannah to Terrell to meet up with her buddies from Keller.  She went home with them & will stay there until early next week---either Sunday or Monday.  She was so excited to go!  I know they'll have a blast together....but Troy & Charlotte might need our prayers for their sanity with 4 little girls in the house!

When we came back into town, we stopped at the library to get books.  The summer reading program is a big deal in our house.  The kids read as many books as possible in about 6 or 7 weeks' time & then based on the # of pages read, they earn "library bucks" that they can use at the prize auction in August.  They have all sorts of really COOL toys & prizes, so they really enjoy this neat time of reading & being rewarded for it!  Andrew picked out 3 Star Wars chapter books to read w/ Larry.  Samuel got a Boxcar Children book & a couple of other smaller books about animals.  Sarah was anxious to find a Max & Ruby book and Kourtney picked out a couple as well.  I got a new Francine Rivers book that I haven't read yet, so I am in hog heaven myself.  (Hmm...I wonder if there is a grown-up version of the summer reading program!)

Sunday June 25

I need a hand from all my prayer warriors.  I know there are a lot of you reading this, so here's a chance for you to jump in & help us.  Andrew needs your prayers.  Since February, he's been the one that seemed to need the most help/encouragement.  Kourtney is younger & more resilient, I suppose.  She misses her mama from time to time, but really is just such a silly, joyful little girl that I think she's rebounded well from the trauma she's been through.  Andrew, on the other hand, has more years of scarring & "stuff" to work through, so he's had a harder time adjusting to all the changes.  I know that deep down he is a good boy & wants to just feel "normal", but there is great pain & sadness in getting there.  Tonight was especially rough.

I'm not really sure what happened.  He was disappointed that he & Samuel didn't get to have "party night" tonight.  (That is where they get to watch a movie in their room w/ the little TV/DVD as a reward for cleaning their room.)  During the school year, we only do it on Fri nights, but during the summer, we do it more often.  When we walked in from church, I told the kids they had 20 minutes to clean up & whoever's room was cleanest would get to have "party night".  The girls 'won' & he got real upset & disappointed that he wouldn't get to have party night.  When he gets upset, it's like someone flipped a switch---the waterworks & sobbing moans are just heartbreaking, but he knew what he needed to do & didn't get it done.  Anyway, he was just really upset....but he's done that before & gets over it.  Sometimes the waterworks are clearly just for manipulation, but tonight, it was about more than that.

 

Tonight, however, it was like he just "shut down" after that.  I got the girls all set up in their room, tucked in w/ the movie going & then went to the boys' room to get them settled.  He always wants me to snuggle w/ him but when I layed down, he scooted way across the bed like he didn't want me to touch him.  He didn't say anything, just moved over.  I asked if he still wanted me to snuggle & he nodded his head.  I told him he'd have to move back over if he wanted me to snuggle.  Right about that time, Samuel hopped onto the bed & he turned with his back facing us while I told Samuel goodnight.  When Samuel went up the ladder to his bed, I turned back to Andrew & he was writing things on a piece of paper.  For the next 20 or 30 minutes, he wouldn't talk...he'd only write things.  It was clear that he needed me there, but for some reason, he couldn't articulate how he felt, so he was writing it.

 

I thought that tonight's sermon might've had something to do with it.  Doug's been doing a series on 1 Cor. 13 called "Overcoming Fears with Love".  Tonight he talked from his heart about the verse that says "Love always protects".  He said that when his son died several years ago, he really questioned that verse....b/c he thought it meant that God was supposed to have protected Ryan from dying.  I wondered, while he was preaching, if Andrew was really "hearing" it.  While I was talking to Andrew tonight, I asked him if that was part of it.  He wrote down that he'd liked the sermon, but didn't really seem like it effected him.  I asked him if he ever wondered why God let his mom die...to which he wrote "yes".  We talked about that for a while....how God has a big plan for all our lives & that sometimes allowing someone to die is a part of the big plan.  I told him that our lives are like a giant jigsaw puzzle & sometimes, all we can see is the piece we're on right now, but in reality, that tiny piece is just the sparkle in His eyes or a leaf on a tree. 

 

I told him that I knew it must be hard to have all sorts of feelings inside that he didn't really understand...fears, sadness, anger, confusion... and that sometimes it helped me to just cry & get it all out when I felt that way, but he shook his head "no" to that.  I guess he didn't feel like "getting it all out" at the moment.

 

Just laying there, holding him, I was praying for him while he was silent.  I felt like there was this gigantic weight laying on his body & he doesn't know how to lift it up off of him & he probably feels like he's stuck underneath it.  I can't imagine being 8yrs old & having lost my mother & father all at one time in such a traumatic way.  It's not like they were slowly pulled away....they were dramatically ripped from under him all at once.

 

He seemed to be either "on the verge" of losing it & having a big cry-it-all-out moment ....... or he's regressed emotionally b/c it's just too much to handle.  I'm not sure which it is, but either way, please pray.

 

I feel pretty helpless just holding him & loving on him.  I know that's about all I can do aside from praying.....but please pray that this all comes to a head & he can release it all, get through the pain & sorrow & grief of it all & we can move forward.  Pray that I have the right tools & can be filled with the right words at the time he needs them.

 

Man this is hard.

 

God, I know that you've given these kids to me for a reason & I trust you on that.  I know that they're in my home & on my heart because you placed them here.  Please equip me with the right words, the right actions, and make YOURSELF known to them so brilliantly that they can't escape your presence.  If nothing else, I want to fill them up with a knowledge of you & a realization of your LOVE & sacrifice for them.  Please teach me how to handle each new situation with a love that can only come through You.  Allow the Spirit to flow through me in those moments of confusion & uncertainty so that all I speak are your words, so that all I give the kids is a heart for you.  -Amen

 

On a totally unrelated note......the bathroom is progressing well!  We have painted walls now & plan to be in the bathroom (hopefully) within the next couple of weeks.  YAHOO!  :)

June 20-24

Just going to add one quick entry here to cover this timeframe.  It is a copied version of the email I sent out to some friends/family about our vacation last week.

Tuesday 6/20

Left home about 10:00am.  We really hoped to leave earlier, but ended up waking up a little later than expected, had to finish packing, had to pack the car, yada yada yada....you get the idea.  We stopped on the way to The Woodlands & made sandwiches in a church parking lot.  Arrived in The Woodlands about 2:00 or 2:30.

 

Larry's aunt/uncle live there & were anxiously awaiting our arrival.  She took us over to the mall so the kids could ride on the (giant!) carousel inside the mall & play on the indoor playground.  They all had a big time.  We went back & the kids swam in their pool while Uncle Richard cooked supper.  When it was about done, we ran in for showers & PJ's, then ate supper & visited the rest of the evening til bedtime.  Upstairs, there are 3BR/2BA, so that was our area of the house.  The girls got one room, boys got another (there is a BA in between those 2 BRs).  Larry & I got the other BR/BA.  Between the swimming pool, big house & stairs to climb on, the kids thought they were in Disneyland!  LOL!

 

Wed June 21

Uncle Richard cooked pancakes for everyone, then we headed out for the Johnson Space Center in Houston.  We arrived about 10:00 or 10:30 & didn't leave til after 4:00.  Everyone had a blast!  (pun intended!)  There is a huge 3 or 4 story tall playground inside, lots of neat little "stations" where the kids can do different science/space/astronaut themed experiments & "training" exercises.  We went on a 90 minute-long tram tour around the security-saturated part of the space center.  It's so wild---like a city within the gates!  There are traffic lights, paved streets, their own fire department, day care center & water department within the gates of the space center.  The place is huge!  We got to go into the bldg where the original "Mission Control" was.  Remember in Apollo 13 when he says "Houston, we have a problem"?  THIS is the "Houston" he's talking to.  It was really neat to see the real stuff--although the 87 steps we had to climb to get there had us all huffing & puffing.  It was really hot in the building & w/ a crowd of 60 or 70 people, it was a long climb up those stairs.  They also had a live video feed to the FL space center & the international mission control center.  We also go to see the area where the astronauts train in mock-ups of the actual spacecrafts.  There was 1 astronaut there w/ his children while we were watching, but he was not there to do any training, just came by to get something I guess.

 

Back inside the space center, we watched 2 movies about space travel.  Larry & Andrew did a flight simulator thing where they got to put on the virtual reality helmets & try to "fly".  That was fun to watch.  Larry couldn't get his "plane" to quit spinning to the side, so he was just constantly in a "roll".  I think Andrew might be a pilot one day!  We ate lunch there & let the kids each pick out a souvenir from the gift shop before we left.

 

We had planned to go to a children's museum back in The Woodlands, near Sandy & Richard's house, but decided to skip it b/c the kids were all worn out.  We came back & ate supper, let them all swim again & headed to bed.  They fell asleep a lot quicker the 2nd night.  They were pretty exhausted!

 

Thursday June 22

Got up & had breakfast w/ Sandy & Richard before packing the car & heading out around 10:00.  We drove about 4 hours to Andrew & Kourtney's grandparents' house in Rockport, TX.  We had a nice visit with them.  It felt a little odd to be at their house b/c we're basically strangers to each other.  I guess that'll get easier as the years go by.  We took them a big packet of pictures of the kids & they gave us a package of pictures of Kelly & the kids and a written out list of some medical family history that we might need in the future.  It was nice to get those.  After a big catfish supper & a few hours there, we went back to the hotel in town for the night.  The kids & I swam in the hotel pool before we hit the sack.

 

A funny thing (well, not so funny actually...) happened during the night.  At 3:00am, the smoke alarm in my room went off.  I jumped up out of bed & ran to the door.  I was sorta disoriented (b/c I was half asleep) so it took me a minute to think straight.  I decided that since I couldn't smell smoke or see flames, I'd check outside to see if there was a fire before I grabbed the girls out of their beds.  Sure enough....there was no fire, no smoke, no crowds of people gathering in the parking lot.  My room's smoke alarm had malfunctioned or something & gone off for nothing!  Ugh.......grrrrrrrr!  I was irritated but wanted to go back to sleep, so I tip-toed back in, turned off the lamp & layed back down.  It took me a long time to fall back to sleep b/c I was paranoid that maybe there really was a fire.  I think I finally got back to sleep about 3:30 or 4:00am.

 

And then at 6:15am it happened AGAIN!!!!!!!!!  Man was I ticked off!  Luckily both times it only went off for about 10 seconds...just enough to wake me up & make my ears ring, but not long enough to disturb the girls much.  They slept through it the first time, but it woke Savannah up the 2nd time.  I called to complain w/ the lady at the front desk the 2nd time.  She was not very helpful, but said she'd tell the manager who came in at 7:00.  In the meantime, while getting up I realized that there was something in my bed.....a beanbag!  Hmm....apparnetly the sheets were not changed before I slept there.  Grrrrrrr....now I was sleep deprived & doubly irritated.

 

When we went to the front desk to check out, Larry made a big stink & they ended up giving us a refund---for BOTH rooms!  Wow!  I was just hoping they'd knock part of the price off my room.

 

Aside from that "alarming" start to the day, our drive home (which ended up taking nearly 9 hours) wasn't too bad.  The kids did pretty well.  We only had to pull over & threaten to strangle them once.  LOL!  All in all, they did REALLY great!

 

It's funny, though.  We drove about 900 miles altogether & when you ask the kids what their favorite part was, they all say "swimming in Aunt Sandy's pool".  LOL!

Monday June 19

We will be leaving on vacation in the morning, so there will be no further journal posts til this weekend.  Have a good week!

Sunday June 18

Because Larry is on vacation this week, we went to our old church this morning.  It's really weird to see how different it feels after just 20 months.  The majority of our SS class was out of town, so we didn't really see most of them & the senior pastor we loved so much has left the church & moved away, so that was different, too.  Even the seating was different---chairs turned in a different direction.  The halls were painted a new color (it looked nice!), and there was a little "sitting area" in the foyer that wasn't there before.  Funny how small differences make such a HUGE impact on someone when you've been gone a short period of time.  We saw lots of familiar faces & hugged old friends, but overall, it just didn't feel like "home" anymore.  I guess that's good.  When we left, it was really difficult to think of the new church as "home" & now the tables are totally turned.  Thank you, God, for taking us to right where we needed to be!
This weekend we got the pictures back from our Six Flags trip with Sarah.  On our way home, before we picked up A&K, we went to the wrecker yard to see the van that G & Kelly had the wreck in.  I wanted to take some pictures of it before they haul it off & sell it for scrap.  I was just blown away by the condition of it.  Shocking how much damage can be done to a vehicle.  Anyway, I was looking at the pictures yesterday & all of the kids wanted to see.  I wondered if it might be too much for A&K, but decided that, in the long run, it was one more piece of the puzzle to them.  They wanted to see the scene of the wreck before & wanted to see the pics of their mom's funeral over & over, so leaving out this one piece of the big puzzle that is their life seemed wrong.  I went ahead & let them take a peek at the pictures.  They seemed to both be affected by what they saw, but are remarkably resilient.  I guess they have been through so much that seeing the pics of the van were "nothing" in comparison to all the changes & new things in their lives.  Andrew told me last night (at bedtime) that seeing the pics made him miss him mom a little more than before......but then he held me tight & snuggled a little longer than usual.  I pray that he can see me as a new "mommy" figure in his life & hope that will bring healing to him....having someone to replace the mother he lost.  He wanted me to re-explain the wreck to him, where it happened, who was driving, what they hit, the whole thing.  I'm not sure if that is somehow therapeutic to him or if he just wanted to see how long I'd keeping laying there for snuggles.  :)  Kourtney calls me "mama" freely, but Andrew never has.  He definately sees me as a sort of mom, but he calls me Aunt Liz.  I don't know if he'll ever reach that point or not.  He has a lot more walls to break down before that happens, I think.  Then again, he may not ever call me "mom"....and if that's how it is, that's ok, too. 
If you would like to see those pictures, I'm ok with sharing with family & close friends.
A funny thing happened today.  We went out to eat lunch after church for Father's Day.  We barely got seated before I heard the couple at the table behind us saying something about "Cheaper by the Dozen".  It didn't dawn on me for a while that he was commenting on US!  I guess I never think of us as a huge family or anything.  I mean, I suppose a family of 10 or 12 kids would be pretty HUGE, but 5 doesn't seem all that enormous to me.  (Of course, don't ask me that on a day when I'm pulling my hair out & looking for sources of chocolate to keep me sane!)  I guess when I really think about it, 5 kids is a lot, but it just never really occurs to me to think of us as a carnival sideshow or anything!  I refuse to let the kids act like wild monkies in public, so there is not usually much of anything for people to SEE if they choose to stare.  Anyway, knowing that we were being "watched", I made sure to whisper to the kids how it was a special treat to go to a nice restaurant ("nice" as opposed to the drive thru at McDonald's!) and how we needed to use our best behavior so that all of those around us would know that we represent Jesus.  I was soooo pleased.  The kids all behaved sweetly.  No one ever fussed or whined or squealed or argued or anything!  When we left, there were lots of eyes looking at us---including one man who never seemed to stop staring the entire time we were there!  I guess we were quite a sight to see.  LOL!  Thankfully, they were all SMILING at us.
Of course, we weren't home long before war broke out....but hey, they were nice in the restaurant!  :)
I got this in an email today &thought I'd share.  It is sooo true.  And after you read it, don't get me started on all the things that I would like to claim as my "excuses"!  I could make a list a mile long, but the truth is, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called!

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
Mary Magdalene was...
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer..AND
Lazarus was dead!
Now! No more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the
messenger.

Fri June 16

We had a busy past couple of days.  We got all the kids (minus Sarah) distributed the grandparents' houses Wednesday & then got up early yesterday morning & took Sarah to Six Flags.  She had a BLAST!  Larry & I had a lot of fun, too.  And no one came out of the park dehydrated & feeling yucky.

One funny thing--- when we went a few years ago w/ Savannah & then again last year w/ Samuel, parking was a NIGHTMARE.  We had to park (seriously) a mile away with each of them & walk all that distance just to get into the gates.  And then when we left & were soooo tired, we still had a mile's walk back to the car.  Both times the trolly that runs in the parking lot was broken down or just not running at the time, so both times we had to walk a great distance in 100+ degree heat, feeling miserable & just nasty!  It was torture!  So......this time, we decided it would be worth the extra $5 to pay for valet parking!  When we pulled up & gave them the keys, we felt pretty proud of ourselves & went off to enjoy the day.  All day long, we commented on how empty the park was---we hardly had to wait in line AT ALL all day long.  The weather was really nice.  Hot, but not so hot that you feel miserable all day....and a nice breeze blew pretty often, so it was a great time to go!  Anyway....we left the park about 5:00, walked out to the parking lot & commented on this van that looked a lot like ours...ha ha...wouldn't it be funny if THAT is our van?  We got to the valet booth, handed them our ticket & watched a guy walk to our van.....the same one we'd laughed about.....it was RIGHT THERE.  He drove all of about 4 or 5 seconds to get from the parking space to us.  LOL!  I'm sure he thought we were sooo lazy.  Anyway, that was our really FUNNY moment of the day.  :)

Sarah loved having her own big bed (queen sized) all to herself.  :)  I guess I was pretty tired when we got back for the night.  By 9pm, I was asleep!  That is a weird thing for me b/c I'm usually a nightowl!  Unfortunately Larry & I didn't sleep too well.  The bed was just not home...ya know?  Oh well, it was worth it!  All in all, Sarah had a ball & loved getting us all to herself for 24 hours.

I wrote this a couple of days ago & thought I'd share it here:

Yesterday the UPS truck arrived w/ a box for me.  It was from A&K's Aunt Debbie.  We talked a couple of months ago about the kids' baby books, etc & she had finally located them.  She sent a big box w/ the 2 baby books, pictures & letters that Kelly had written to the kids.  I sat there & cried looking through it all....knowing how much Kelly loved her children & how much those letters will mean to them in the future.

There was one letter for each of the kids detailing the day of their birth.  Then she had written a couple of other letters to Andrew.  One was written when he was 5, so it's a couple years old & missing the past couple of years...but it was interesting to see how she chronicled all of years of his life...all the places they've lived & people they've lived with...on & on.  It's almost a little sad reading the letters b/c Kelly was not the best speller, but you can see a Mama's love shining through all that.

 

Anyway, all in all, it was very neat to get this stuff.  I feel so neat to have some memories for the kids!  I have a rolling 3-drawer storage thing for my (bio) kids' baby books & early life memories/pics, etc.  I'm going to go back & get another one (2 drawer type this time) & create memory boxes for Andrew & Kourtney now.  :)

 

Ahhh....now I feel like their real mommy!