I need a hand from all my prayer warriors. I know there are a lot of you reading this, so here's a chance for you to jump in & help us. Andrew needs your prayers. Since February, he's been the one that seemed to need the most help/encouragement. Kourtney is younger & more resilient, I suppose. She misses her mama from time to time, but really is just such a silly, joyful little girl that I think she's rebounded well from the trauma she's been through. Andrew, on the other hand, has more years of scarring & "stuff" to work through, so he's had a harder time adjusting to all the changes. I know that deep down he is a good boy & wants to just feel "normal", but there is great pain & sadness in getting there. Tonight was especially rough.
I'm not really sure what happened. He was disappointed that he & Samuel didn't get to have "party night" tonight. (That is where they get to watch a movie in their room w/ the little TV/DVD as a reward for cleaning their room.) During the school year, we only do it on Fri nights, but during the summer, we do it more often. When we walked in from church, I told the kids they had 20 minutes to clean up & whoever's room was cleanest would get to have "party night". The girls 'won' & he got real upset & disappointed that he wouldn't get to have party night. When he gets upset, it's like someone flipped a switch---the waterworks & sobbing moans are just heartbreaking, but he knew what he needed to do & didn't get it done. Anyway, he was just really upset....but he's done that before & gets over it. Sometimes the waterworks are clearly just for manipulation, but tonight, it was about more than that.
Tonight, however, it was like he just "shut down" after that. I got the girls all set up in their room, tucked in w/ the movie going & then went to the boys' room to get them settled. He always wants me to snuggle w/ him but when I layed down, he scooted way across the bed like he didn't want me to touch him. He didn't say anything, just moved over. I asked if he still wanted me to snuggle & he nodded his head. I told him he'd have to move back over if he wanted me to snuggle. Right about that time, Samuel hopped onto the bed & he turned with his back facing us while I told Samuel goodnight. When Samuel went up the ladder to his bed, I turned back to Andrew & he was writing things on a piece of paper. For the next 20 or 30 minutes, he wouldn't talk...he'd only write things. It was clear that he needed me there, but for some reason, he couldn't articulate how he felt, so he was writing it.
I thought that tonight's sermon might've had something to do with it. Doug's been doing a series on 1 Cor. 13 called "Overcoming Fears with Love". Tonight he talked from his heart about the verse that says "Love always protects". He said that when his son died several years ago, he really questioned that verse....b/c he thought it meant that God was supposed to have protected Ryan from dying. I wondered, while he was preaching, if Andrew was really "hearing" it. While I was talking to Andrew tonight, I asked him if that was part of it. He wrote down that he'd liked the sermon, but didn't really seem like it effected him. I asked him if he ever wondered why God let his mom die...to which he wrote "yes". We talked about that for a while....how God has a big plan for all our lives & that sometimes allowing someone to die is a part of the big plan. I told him that our lives are like a giant jigsaw puzzle & sometimes, all we can see is the piece we're on right now, but in reality, that tiny piece is just the sparkle in His eyes or a leaf on a tree.
I told him that I knew it must be hard to have all sorts of feelings inside that he didn't really understand...fears, sadness, anger, confusion... and that sometimes it helped me to just cry & get it all out when I felt that way, but he shook his head "no" to that. I guess he didn't feel like "getting it all out" at the moment.
Just laying there, holding him, I was praying for him while he was silent. I felt like there was this gigantic weight laying on his body & he doesn't know how to lift it up off of him & he probably feels like he's stuck underneath it. I can't imagine being 8yrs old & having lost my mother & father all at one time in such a traumatic way. It's not like they were slowly pulled away....they were dramatically ripped from under him all at once.
He seemed to be either "on the verge" of losing it & having a big cry-it-all-out moment ....... or he's regressed emotionally b/c it's just too much to handle. I'm not sure which it is, but either way, please pray.
I feel pretty helpless just holding him & loving on him. I know that's about all I can do aside from praying.....but please pray that this all comes to a head & he can release it all, get through the pain & sorrow & grief of it all & we can move forward. Pray that I have the right tools & can be filled with the right words at the time he needs them.
Man this is hard.
God, I know that you've given these kids to me for a reason & I trust you on that. I know that they're in my home & on my heart because you placed them here. Please equip me with the right words, the right actions, and make YOURSELF known to them so brilliantly that they can't escape your presence. If nothing else, I want to fill them up with a knowledge of you & a realization of your LOVE & sacrifice for them. Please teach me how to handle each new situation with a love that can only come through You. Allow the Spirit to flow through me in those moments of confusion & uncertainty so that all I speak are your words, so that all I give the kids is a heart for you. -Amen
On a totally unrelated note......the bathroom is progressing well! We have painted walls now & plan to be in the bathroom (hopefully) within the next couple of weeks. YAHOO! :)
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