Sun Dec 17

As the months go by & reality of life sets in further, I realize that I need to take more time to relax & find little "retreats" for myself.  I feel like I stay so keyed up, just trying to stay on top of everything, that I'm internalizing stress more than I realized before.  Although I totally love my family, I do carry a lot of the responsibility for the kids.  Larry doesn't dessert me or anything, but let's just face it...moms usually have to tackle a little more than 50% of the parenting.  When I spend more than 50% of that time separating arguing kids or dealing with the big issues in their lives, I end up 100% exhausted.  I won't be surprised if my blood pressure is up at my annual check up Friday.  I guess that just comes with the territory, and I'll deal with it if this is indeed the case.  I know, however, that a lot of the stress is something I bring upon myself by allowing things to "get to me" instead of tackling small battles earlier.  Ya know?  Sometimes we (general we, not just referring to Larry & I) let things go because we're too exhausted to deal with it when it's a little issue....but by the time it blows up into a big giant battle, we *have to* deal with it & then we're so frustrated & angry that we overreact.  Ugh...it's a vicious cycle.  I know that if I can find little mini retreats, I can stay on top of feeling so tired & frustrated all the time.  Back in July, I had a mini meltdown & Larry rescued me by taking me out & away from it all for the night.  That was very nice!  We've been alone since then, but I guess it's time for an "official" break again.  I just haven't sought those little mini breaks out lately...and I'm feeling it.  During the early weeks & months of A&K's arrival in our home, I found myself relaxing in little ways---but ways that added up to big dividends.  If you go back & re-read about the nights that I'd go for a drive late at night & listen to the crickets chirp....the times I sat in the massage chair at Walgreen's....the times I drove around screaching out songs to worship CDs....so many things that God provided were such a sort of comfort & strength for me.  I have been too busy to focus on "ah-ha" moments lately.  It comes with the holidays....busy-ness that is overwhelming to a point that we forget what's important.
I've been thinking about this the past few days.  In a letter from G on Saturday, he mentioned that he'd be up for parole (the first time) in April.  When I relayed this info to Larry, I teared up.  Although I know that he would love to be out of prison & the kids would love that, too, I get very emotional & heartachy when it comes to thinking about the possibility of the kids leaving our home.  I know that eventually that may be something we have to face, but it's such a heartbreaking thought when we're fighting tooth & nail to break down all the walls that the kids have, watching how painful the holidays are for Andrew, seeing them make progress in school, seeing them develop a sweetness they didn't have before ...only to consider them going right back into the lifestyle that contributed to building up all those walls.  Larry asked if I thought I might need to be on an antidepressant.  Honestly, that had never crossed my mind until he mentioned it.  I don't know what I think about that....but will be considering it until I see the doc on Friday.
Tonight at church, our pastor preached about "expecting a miracle".  He wasn't necessarily talking about the crazy TV evangelist type of "expecting a miracle".  Really, it wasn't at all what he said that affected me, but what the Holy Spirit did while I listened.  A message was spoken in tongues & the interpretation was about accepting the comfort that is here, ready to be taken.  The "comfort" referred to was GOD. 
I felt a sense of peace as I looked around at my children & recognized how much joy they bring me.  The couple behind me was giggling & I realized it was because of Samuel & Sarah.  They were playing tic-tac-toe on Samuel's arm!  They had run out of paper to draw on & got resourceful.  Samuel's sleeve was pulled up past his elbow & there was a row of tic tac toe games all up his arm!  LOL!  Then on the way home, I made an impromptu drive through a fancy neighborhood that has a bunch of Christmas lights.  The kids & I started singing as we drove.  I can't remember the title of the song, but it says "This is my commandment that you love one another, that your joy may be full."  Sarah blurted out that we were singing it wrong.  According to her, the words say "...that your joy may be four".  ha ha!
Tonight, while I lay in bed snuggling with Andrew, we talked about the Christmases in his past.  I asked what his mom did with him to celebrate Christmas.  He talked how she made a lot of cookies & they ate them.  (hmm....check!  I can do that!)  I asked about his dad & what he did for Christmas.  I had to chuckle when he said "dad watched the football game".  I can't wait to see how he reacts to Christmas here.  Our celebration might be different than what he's used to.
Tomorrow morning, we see the doc at the kids' counselor office.  We're having Kourtney screened for ADD.  We have seen soooooo many signs/symptoms of it & her teacher has mentioned it as well, so we want to get her checked out.  I'm anxious to see what the doc says.  I'll let ya know.