rough day

    Today was very full & busy.  I spent the entire day running errands & taking care of things.  My dad had back surgery yesterday (same doc, same hospital that Larry used!).  I visited him this morning & saw that he was doing very well.  Pleased with his progress, I went on about my day.  (Note:  Things have changed---see the end of the post for an update on my dad.)  I felt very comfortable & content with my day's work, having been quite productive.  Then the afternoon hit.

    The boys both had homework.  Samuel still needs a lot of help doing his homework as much of it requires reading & while he can read simple things, he can't read super well yet.  Andrew also had homework---studying a social studies vocabulary list.  I got Samuel about 1/2 way done w/ his homework before everything hit the fan.  Andrew was frustrated with his homework, so I shifted my attention from Samuel to him.  I got Savannah to sit & read with Samuel while I worked with Andrew (thank God for big sisters who are good readers!). 

    On top of being frustrated by the work, he was having some serious sensory issues this afternoon.  Every little sound grated on his nerves & sent him into a tizzy.  Sarah walked into the room & said "mommy" & he flipped out, holding his head & yelling that she was too loud.  Every time someone in the next room bumped, banged, said something or made any noise, he'd scream again that it was too loud.  He did that several times until he finally got so fed up with the noises around him that he went to his bedroom to work.  The thing is, no one was being loud.  Really, because he was flipping out so much, they were all going out of their way to be silent so I'm a little curious as to why he was so 'on edge' about every little whisper. 

    Things quickly went from bad to worse with.  By the time a 1/2 hour had passed, he was screaming, throwing things, raging out of control, crying that he didn't care if he failed this paper & all of 3rd grade.  He was screaming that he doesn't care about 'anything'.  When I said "You do care, Andrew, you're just frustrated", he told me in no uncertain terms that he WANTS to fail, WANTS to get a zero, etc.  Of course, I knew all of that was just him blowing smoke, but trying to settle him down & get him calmed was horrible.  I told him that God had a special plan for him & there was no way I was going to allow Satan to confuse him & make him think that he doesn't care about anything!  As I spoke those words, he turned his face away from me.  I asked if he cares about me (he said yes), so I pointed out that he really DOES care about something...and that I know he cares about how he does in school.  I reminded him of all the things he's such a perfectionist at---art, building things, etc--- and showed him how that means that he cares about those things very much, so I knew that how he does & pleasing his teachers was important.  

    This all began at 4:00.  When doors got slammed, I calmly re-opened them & reminded him that slamming doors was not allowed if he'd like to keep his door.  When he was rude to me, I reminded him that I expect him to respect me & would not allow him to talk to me rudely, but mostly I just let him be & through the walls I could hear him crying til he'd scream at the top of his lungs & then he'd go back to just sobbing.  He finally calmed down around 5:00 & I offered my help again (during part of this time, I left the room & tried to allow him some space to just have a fit & get it all out alone--I told him I'd be happy to help him once he calmed down).  I went into the room & when I asked him a simple question about his pencil & immediately he lied to me.  I told him that I couldn't help him if I knew he was lying to me.  A few minutes later, he walked to the kitchen (where I went) & asked me, nicely, to come back & help him.  I went in & the whole thing started over again.  I explained very slowly & quietly what he needed to do & he quickly went into a rage again.  Savannah came to his doorway at one time & asked if everything was ok.  When he screamed at her in reply, I grounded him.  I reminded him that it was OK to get frustrated, even angry, but taking his frustration out on others (or things in the house) was not OK.  I haven't decided yet what he's grounded from.  I have to make him understand that his when his temper is out of control, he loses priveleges.  (Proverbs tells us that a man who can control is temper is stronger than the mighty....we're still working on that!)

    When it reached a point that I could leave the room & go call Larry, I did.  I needed to talk through this & vent a little & call in the back up.  :)  Larry assured me that I was handling it well & gave me some ideas to try.  Once I steeled myself for a little more, I went back.  It was time to leave for church by then, so I told Andrew that he & I would spend some time together at church (while everyone else went to class) and finish his homework there.  I was a little fearful of how he'd behave in the church (would he go into a big raging panic attack again?) but he handled it well and we did finish up at church.  By the time we reached the church, he was calm & happy go lucky & had no problem finishing quickly.

    While I was on the phone w/ Larry, I reminded him that the last time we had a REALLY awful day like this, it was the day that G got sentenced.  Although I know some people don't believe in spiritual warfare, I totally believe that's what it was that day.  So my first question was "what's going on with G today?".  Larry called the prison system to find out if G had been moved today.  (Since he was sentenced, we knew it was "any day now" that he'd go to a prison unit.)  While it wasn't today, he was indeed moved from the county jail to a TDC unit on Monday.  (He'll stay there 2 weeks for "processing" before they move him to wherever he will stay.)  I don't know if there was something significant happening today for G, but whatever the case, Andrew was under a very strong cloud of oppression today.

    When we got home tonight & the kids were in bed, I layed on my bed crying out to God for Andrew.  Please remove the evil, the darkness, the heaviness & weight on this child, Lord.  Please take away the condemnation, the sadness, the shame, the depth of the pain he's felt for so long.  Wrap your arms around him, Jesus.  Don't let anything bad into that circle of protection.  Encamp angels around him.  Cover him with the shelter of your presence.  Please remove all the negative 'stuff' & fill him with only YOU, only YOU, only YOU. 

    As I sat & repeated "ONLY YOU" for a while, I felt a strong sense of peace.  The peace might be permanent or maybe it was just for today...a peace that I did alright in God's eyes for the day & that the rest of the night will be ok.  Whatever the case may be, I feel alright now.

    Tonight as I prayed for my houseful of kids, I said, "Lord, are you SURE about this because I feel so ill-equipped to handle this load you've given me."  But ya know what?  He reminded me that He equips those He calls.  He gives strength to the weak.  He carries the burdens of those who are weighed down with a lot of "stuff".  He shed His blood so that I could carry a load & bring Him glory. 

    Earlier today, before any of this happened, I filled out one of those little silly email surveys that a friend sent.  One of the questions was "What is something you want to do before you die?".  All I could think of was leaving a Godly legacy for my children.  Sure I want to do a thousand other things, too, but really...that's the only one that matters.  I could travel, own a big house, get a fancy car with all the bells & whistles, but if I die with my children not knowing God because I didn't show Him to them, I really have failed in life.

    I am certainly not trying to toot my own horn because I surely fail at leaving a Godly legacy so often.  (& really, I was tempted to cuss a few times this afternoon or fly off the handle & smack Andrew...but I didn't.)  I just have to believe that God had me fill out that survey this morning to get my heart in the right place to handle what was to come this afternoon.  Isn't it funny how God does that?  I love His sense of timing.

    I know that God is in control & reaches into my life every day.  His handprints are all over the people I talk to, the things I see...His love surrounds me daily.  Thank you, Benae, for our talk tonight.  I love knowing that my crazy life somehow touches the hearts of others & encourages them.  Thank you for letting me know that you care & pray for us.  I just adore you!

    And Lisa W.....if you're reading this, please email me (Lizreeves2@aol.com).  I'd like to bounce some questions off of you and I think it's still a couple weeks til we come in for our next visit.

Note about my dad:  Tonight he began to run a fever.  The doc has put him on an antibiotic & we hope that this will be enough to kill whatever infection is beginning.  Infection the day after back surgery is not a good thing!