Christmas is coming

Christmas is coming up quickly.  At least 6 of us in the house are excited about that.  As the day draws closer, Andrew spends more & more of his time pissed off about everything.  (Sorry, mom, I couldn't think of a word that would give a better picture of what I'm trying to say.)  He's angry.  All the time.  He claims he doesn't care about anything, hates Christmas, doesn't care what he gets, doesn't want to enjoy anything we throw at him to get everyone excited about the upcoming holiday.  Tonight we went with all the kids from church to a drive-thru lights place.  On the way there, he was ok.  During the drive-thru, he was ok.  Afterward, though, the anger began.  After hitting/punching/kicking Savannah 3 or 4 times in the McDonald's parking lot, I had to stop the church van & climb into the backseat to separate them.  All he could focus on was his anger with Savannah (who had done nothing to irritate him...she was just the nearest target as best I could tell).  When we got home, we had a conversation that went something like this.

Me:  Andrew, why are you so mad lately?

Andrew:  I don't know.  Everyone is bugging me.

Me:  Are you upset that Christmas is coming & your mom and dad aren't here with you?

Andrew:  No, I don't care.

Me:  Really?  That doesn't bother you?

Andrew:  No.  I don't care about Christmas.  It's stupid.

Me:  Hmm...so you wouldn't care if I took all your presents back to the store?

Andrew:  No.  I don't care.

Me:  Ya know what I think?

Andrew:  What?

Me:  I think that you are a little boy hiding inside a big, tough, strong man.  It's hard to face Christmas without your mom & dad, so you're being really tough & brave.  But...there's a little boy in here (pointed to his heart) who wants to come out & enjoy it.

Andrew:  No there's not.

Me:  There's not a little boy in here?

Andrew:  No.

Me:  Where did he go?
Andrew:  He disappeared a long time ago.

Me:  Who took him away?

Andrew:  My friends.

Me:  Who?  What did they do to him?

Andrew:  (in a whiney voice)  They said "you're stupid.  Santa's not real."  Why do people care about Santa?  He's not real anyway.

Me:  Santa may not be real, but he's a magical, fun thing that a lot of little kids believe in.  You may not believe in him, but you need to let the younger kids believe as long as they want to.

Andrew:  Why don't they just grow up & quit believing in him?

Me:  Because they're little.  They enjoy Santa coming, so you need to let them enjoy him without ruining it for them.  (He's made comments in front of the little ones several times about Santa not being real.)

  So are you looking forward to Christmas other than Santa?

Andrew:  No.

Me:  Because your little boy inside disappeared?

Andrew:  yeah.

Me:  So then you don't need any little kid toys huh?  I might as well go take all the presents back & just get you a briefcase & a suit.  Right?

Andrew:  I don't care.

I knew we weren't getting anywhere, so I just let it go from there.  He still ranted & raved, but I let it go.  All I could do was pray.  God, show me how to handle these moments of hurt & pain covered by this "I don't care" attitude.  Larry & I talked later & we believe this is all one big smoke screen for his pain.  I know he has to be hurting and the only way he knows to deal with it is to try & make Christmas miserable for everyone else by being a pain in the neck.  I pray that he sings in the program Sunday night & doesn't stand on stage pushing & shoving those in the risers around him.  He was clearly disinterested in singing when they were practicing Wed. night.  Please keep praying for him.

My prayer, since Wed night, has been more of a mantra, a chant, a motto...whatever you want to call it.  "Only You, Lord....only you."  I want Andrew (& all of my kids) to be filled with Only God.  I want them to see Only God in me.  I want their sights to be focused on ONLY GOD during this Christmas season.  I want them to look back & remember ONLY GOD in their lives.  So, everything has centered around "only you, Lord".  When my gut instinct is to scream or smack someone, I have to pray silently "only you, Lord".  When my frustration level is high enough to choke a horse, I have to remind myself to reflect "Only you, God".  A long time ago, I wrote the words "Less of me, More of You" in my prayer journal.  I recently found that when I was reading back through it. 

Oh Lord, that I could show only You....fill me with your presence daily, give me a fresh filling of the Spirit, wrap me in a warm embrace of your hands, cover my home with your protection, remove the evil & the darkness & the weight of burden from my house.  Hold me, Jesus & help me see the pain in Andrew's remarks, comments & hurled anger and insults.  Help me see when it's a discipline issue & when it's a moment that he just needs to be loved & nurtured.  I can't do this alone, God.  Be with me through every tantrum, every rage, every moment of sadness that is to come.  I can't do this, Lord, but ONLY YOU can.  And with you, I am strong.  With you, I can see the Light.  With you, I can get up again when I am broken.  Lord, empower me.  Show me the path, open my tongue to speak what you'd have me say.  Please fill my home with peace, give us the wisdom to deal with each tough situation as it comes.  God I know you're faithful & will honor this mama's cries.  I love you.  Thank you for loving me!

Casting Crowns' song "In Me" (chorus only)

When I'm weak, you make me strong.

When I'm blind, you shine the light on me.

'Cause I'll never get by, living on my own abilities.

How refreshing to know you don't need me....how amazing to know that you want me.

So I'll stand on your truth & I'll fight with your strength

Until YOU bring the victory,

By the power of Christ in me!