A new season part 2

On Monday 3/12, we spent about 6 hours calling a huge number of places.  We learned that day that there are 490 residential facilities in Texas that we could choose from to place Andrew.  Our first choice was Azelway, a local Christian group our church supports.  That was our first phone call.  In calling 60-ish of these facilities that day, we got the same story, time & time again.  Either they don't take violent kids or they don't take kids in this age group or they are full or they cost an arm and a leg (roughly $2000-2500 per month!!!!).  Over & over we got the same piece of advice.  That advice was to call CPS & have them get involved b/c often CPS can get a child placed in these group home settings where an individual can't.  On Monday evening, that was the last possible resort phone call.  I couldn't bear to listen as I knew they would not turn us down & the process would be started.  I didn't even want to hear Larry as he called them, so I left at that point.  My heart was breaking at the idea of having a "child protective service" caseworker in my home, inspecting every detail of my life like I'm a criminal, interviewing my kids to make sure they were not abused.  The gross reality of it made me want to throw up.  After making that phone call, we decided to go to a movie & just hide from the world for the night.  We were next in line to get our tickets when the CPS worker called to let us know that the caseworker would be at our house in a few minutes.  WHAT?????  We had no idea how quickly they worked!  We were on the other side of town!  We called the caseworker's cell phone, explained the circumstances & ended up meeting him half way at his wife's office.
I cried through the whole meeting.  I was so torn up about the whole thing that Larry had to do most of the talking for me.  The caseworker ended up being the most gentle, sweet man...caring & understanding about our predicament.  He was very level-headed & concerned about everyone's best interests ---not a whackjob like I was afraid we'd get!  He comforted me, assured me that we were making a good choice for all 5 of the kids' sake and got me Kleenex to wipe my tears.  While it didn't really change the grief & heartbreak I was feeling, it was nice to know that we had a very kind person 'on our side' to help us through this very hard thing we were doing.  He told us that the state mandates require that siblings stay together, so before we tried anything else, he wanted to try to place the kids together.  He also told us that the state requires that they attempt to place kids with a family member before looking anywhere else.  We gave him names & phone numbers of the only family members we knew of and told him that one in particular would be the best choice.  He agreed to call that family member (Kelly's brother Jerry and his wife, Betty) the next day to see if they would be willing to take custody of the kids.  We left that meeting encouraged, but still hurting.  We called Jerry ourselves that night, alerting him that he would be getting this phone call the next day, and explaining the situation that had brought us to this place.  He was just as stunned as we were in Feb 06, shocked at the idea of taking in 2 new kids to raise.  The next day, he talked to the CPS caseworker & agreed to take the kids. 
On Tuesday 3/13, we went to pick up the kids from Larry's parents.  Andrew would stay a few more days because the CPS worker advised that we let him stay there until the move.  I have never cried harder than I did when I had to drive away & leave him there that night.  He was sobbing & holding onto me saying that he wanted to go home.  Just hearing him call it 'home' was so very difficult because I knew, at that point, that he'd be moving by the weekend.  (We didn't find out until later that evening that Jerry had agreed to take the kids & that they'd be moving on Friday.)  My father in law had to peel him off of me & Larry had to push me out the front door to leave.  The other kids didn't realize what was happening yet, so my loud cries had to be done quickly & fiercely between the house & car because I needed to get in looking calm & fine to the kids.  Luckily it was late & nearly dark, so I could hide under the cover of night soon.  Until then, I turned my face to the window & did my best to hide my tears from the kids who were drowsy in the back seats.
By the following day, the time had come to tell the kids & begin packing.  My mom came over to help me clean & pack.  That evening, Larry & I sat the kids down to explain what was about to happen.  We began to tell them in the most patient, loving way we could.  Before we could finish, Kourtney cut in & asked if she & Andrew needed to move out.  We were shocked that she could see where the conversation was going and was so quick to say that.  That night, she hugged on me & loved me more than she has all year.  I know she's moved a million times in her short life, but she told us that night that our home was her favorite place she'd ever lived.
In those next 48 hours, we quickly packed everything that Andrew & Kourtney own.  It was funny to see the pile grow.  When they moved in, they came with only what would fit into the trunk of Larry's grandmother's car.  They left with a 16ft. trailer full of stuff plus all of what they had in the back of Jerry & Betty's SUV.  It was so strange to pack up all their things, knowing that in such a short time they'd be gone.  I went to bed crying every night and woke up to cry some more.  I knew it was the best choice to make for the kids (all 5 of them) but my heart was breaking that I couldn't "fix" Andrew's problems so that he could stay.
Everything in me wanted to "mama love" him enough that he'd be ok.  I wanted to be able to wiggle my nose & heal him..... to bring him security & love on a deep enough level that he'd be changed.  To wrap him up in the arms of God & see him grow up in the Church.  Reaching a place where I knew that I just couldn't do that for him was hard.  Knowing that we had done nothing wrong, but that *this* simply wasn't the environment where Andrew would find healing, we had to let go of him (& Kourtney).  Knowing that in my head and believing it in my heart were 2 different things though.
Friday morning arrived quickly.  Jerry & Betty were to arrive around noon to load the kids up & drive 6 or 7 hours back home.  It would be a long drive, so we knew that they'd want to load up & leave as quickly as possible since they'd have to unpack & unload the trailer when they got home.  My in laws brought Andrew home early that morning.  My FIL had already explained things to Andrew and I had talked to him on the phone the day before, so he knew what was happening.  Sadly, he didn't seem phased by it.  I guess he's moved around so many times in life, he just didn't feel like this was anything new.  Kourtney, on the other hand, was a little lost lamb that morning.  She had gotten excited about the prospect of her new home & the pets there, but she was nervous when the day arrived.  I spent a lot of time that morning curled up in the recliner with her, holding her & rocking her like a baby.  It was devastating to watch tears roll down her cheek & her chin quiver.  Once again, in this week full of great sadness, my heart was broken.  I sat there holding her, praying that God would give Betty a great maternal instinct to love Kourtney.  She so badly needs a mommy...not just an aunt who loves her.....and while I had been that to Kourtney these past 13 months, I prayed that Betty could quickly fill that role & give Kourtney all that she needs, too.
The time arrived & it was time to say goodbye.  We walked the kids to the car, hugged them one last time & waved as they drove away.  It was only moments before I was in Larry's arms, struggling to stand upright and clinging to him for strength as the waves of grief came over me.  Precious moments were spent there, spilling tears on our shoulders & just hanging onto each other. 
The first couple of days were rough as we had to travel to Dallas to tell G, in the prison where he's housed, that his children had been moved.  He didn't take it well, as we figured he wouldn't.  Last Sunday I was able to hide out in the nursery & care for the little ones, so tomorrow will be my first time back in Sunday School & church.
I can't say that it's easy now, but the initial deep level grief has passed somewhat.  My heart still aches for the children I've "lost".  Each time I find a piece of clothing they left behind or a toy they played with, memories flood my mind & I find myself hurting again.  But I'm beginning to see a tiny glimmer of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  I guess the waves of emotion will continue over the years, but for now I'm doing alright.  I suppose that's how grief & loss works.
I told my friends & family, on the day after the kids moved, that I was resting in the promise of the verse in Psalms that says "sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning".  I know my "morning" will come someday.  I am not entirely in the "night" right now....but also not entirely seeing daylight either.  I guess I'm at about 3am now.  :)  (Hey, if I'm going with metaphors here, I figured I'd fill in the "time" for a gauge of where I am!)  I know that 8am will happen one day.
For now, it's been weird waking up to only 3 mouths to feed.  I can't tell you how many times I've poured 5 kid-sized drinks or set 2 extra plates at mealtime.  I can't explain how odd it is to see 1/2 of Sarah & Samuel's closets empty or recognize the extra space in their bedrooms.  The neighborhood is a little quieter these days and the yard seems a little less crowded when the neighbor kids are over playing.  But while those things all seem odd & empty in a heart-breaking sort of way......I'm also discovering that this is a new season of our lives.
Throughout my adult life, God has continued to add more chapters to the book I plan to one day write (titled "That Was Not Part of the Plan").  Slowly, I'm coming to realize that the chapters that will include Andrew & Kourtney will be both joyful & sad ones.  They are chapters that will fulfill me and leave me breathless.  Life with 5 children under my mother hen wings was hard, but oh so sweet.....earth shaking but oh so beautiful.  And life with just 3 is too......
And so as we welcome this new season of our lives, I'm curious to see what God will bring next.  Each time I think I'm ready to sit down & start writing the book, He brings me a new chapter to deal with.  Ultimately I've learned the same lesson from Him over and over.......that I am NOT IN CONTROL OF ANYTHING.  Maybe if I'd ever just get that through my thick head, life would be calmer for us.  Hmm.....nah......I kinda like the monkeywrenches He throws at us.  (After all, monkies are my favorite animal...LOL)  Seriously, though, I don't guess I want to get real comfortable.  Sure, these blessings that come wrapped in the disguise of crisis are usually the things in life that draw me nearest to God.  They hurt.  There truely is "pain in the offering" of giving them over to God entirely......but in the end, they draw the most clear picture of His love for me and I'm always so glad to have lived through yet another "monkeywrench".
Lord, thank you for giving me the insight of realizing the many many 'chapters' of life you continue to guide us through.  Pain & sorrow may come with these crises, but in the end, we always seem to recognize where Your hand was guiding us the whole time.  We love you.  Thankyou for the monkeywrench of Andrew & Kourtney's time here.  Thank you for letting me be a mama to those two sweethearts.  Thank you for letting them be a part of our family, even if only for a year.  Thank you for the pain in letting them go because that means that we really did bond to them & we really did touch their lives (after all, if we hadn't bonded, it would've been easy to hand them over to someone else).  Thank you for their aunt & uncle and their willingness to take them into their home, even knowing the issues they face ahead with Andrew.  Thank you for Andrew.  Thank you for Kourtney.  Thank you for my precious family who was willing to bend their lives to welcome A&K as their own siblings & for my extended family who accepted them as grandchildren, nieces & nephews.  Thank you for our church who loved A&K this past year.  Thank you for the many beautiful people you put into our lives to minister to us and to A&K during this season.
You are good.  You are good.  You are good.  Even in the hard, most horribly painful experiences, you are good.