Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The dam broke.

Today was my first day at the new job. I went to the administrative building this morning & filled out loads of paperwork and then took the picture for my new ID badge. Kind of like taking a driver's license photo that you have to wear around on your shirt all day every day. Oh yeah, gotta love that. ha ha!

After that, I drove over to the high school where all the grades 6-12 teachers & staff were already in the middle of a morning training session. Thankfully they were on a break when I got there, so I was able to slip into the building unnoticed rather than having to walk in during the middle of a session. I sat through the last 90 minutes of that session & then we went to lunch.

Lunchtime reminded me a lot of the junior high cafeteria. You know what I'm talking about right? The cool kids all sit together & you just go looking for a spot to sit where you can hide & eat your lunch in peace? I sat down & quickly realized that all the other people who work there were filtering into the room & sitting down....at the other table. Weird. While I did end up having two coworkers at my table, and I'm grateful that one of them was really chatty so she filled all the dead time that I wasn't sure what to talk about, it still felt really awkward to sit with strangers & attempt a conversation.

When we got back from lunch, we all went to another session on another campus about bullying prevention. I really wasn't sure what to expect from that class, but the speaker was pretty funny so it made the whole thing tolerable.

When that class was over, we went back to the campus where I will be working & had a staff meeting. Most of what was discussed didn't involve me so I sat & nodded & smiled a lot. When I left this afternoon I didn't feel any more prepared or knowledgeable about my job than I did at the start of the day. Sigh. I couldn't help but think through both of the sessions that I should be in classes about hands on science experiments and classroom techniques to use with 3 & 4 year olds.

When I got into the car, I felt one tear roll down my cheek. I wiped it away, determined not to give into the sadness & frustration & emotion I had been stuffing down for the past couple weeks. I listened to my voicemail on my phone & called Savannah back. I talked to her on my drive to the errand I needed to do & found myself choking back tears because I didn't want her to hear me cry. All three of my kids really struggle when they see me cry. It bothers them because their mom is usually the super positive one. When I hung up, I let it loose. And then I called Larry. He listened to me cry & assured me that things would get better. He offered to come home early & take me out for icecream, but I told him that I just wanted to go sit at home & cry into my pillow without anybody looking at me. By the time I picked up the kids & got home, he was driving up into the driveway. God bless that precious man. He came in & layed on our bed & held me while I sobbed. I cried pretty much all afternoon from 4:00 til about 6:30. I gave myself the worst headache & my eyes are so puffy now!

Making the decision to take this job was very emotional & stressful to me. Don't get me wrong. The place I'm working seems perfectly nice & the people seem kind. I told someone today on Facebook that making this switch is a lot like someone who suddenly picks up & moves across the country. While all the people in their new home may be perfectly nice and the community may be beautiful, their heart is still back in their old hometown and it takes a long time for them to warm up to being in a new place, no matter how nice it is. That's sort of how I feel. I feel bad to gripe about changing jobs. I am grateful that I have a job at all! I know the job itself will be simple once I get started. I know that the people will grow on me. I'm not at all worried about that end of things....I'm just sad about leaving my preschoolers. Anyway, being so out of my element with new people today was just overwhelming, so the moment I let one tear go, it was like the dam broke & I couldn't stop.

By about 8:00 tonight the Ibuprofen had killed the headache & my make up was all gone. I drove to go pick up Savannah from band practice & went for a Sonic Dr. Pepper. There's not much that Sonic Dr. Pepper (& small order of Chedd'r Peppers) won't fix. That and the hugs of my three babies...and the sweet email from my new coworker who saw my status on Facebook tonight about all the tears & sadness....and more hugs from my babies & my sweet husband...and a few old episodes of Friends.

I would still appreciate prayers as I make this transition. Adjusting to something new is never easy for me.


Anonymous said...

you bet I will keep you in my prayers as you head into this new change in your life. I understand how you feel, just in a bit of a different way. Love ya girlfriend!

Liz said...

Well thank you Miss or Mr. Anonymous!

Candice said...

Hang in there, Liz! I know God is going to use your sunshine-y outlook (normally sunshine-y, anyway!) to encourage people where He has placed you. Praying for you!