For the past couple of weeks I've really stressed & worried. I've spent so much time completely consumed with new job possibilities & what all that might mean for my family, my kids, my life. And it's made me LOONEY! And like I mentioned in my last post, that is so unlike me. Larry will tell you, I don't stress over things. I don't flip out & worry and spend hours consumed by my thoughts. Usually I'm perfectly fine to trust the hand of God and just let things be. But for some reason, this whole process has thrown me for a loop. And I'm embarassed to admit that. I'm ashamed that I've spent so much time curled up in a ball like a 3 year old telling God "I don't wanna change!"
The thing is, I wasn't really looking for a job. I've been totally fine right where I am, doing the same thing (teaching preschool) for the past five years. I love my job. I LOVE being involved with my students' lives for the year I have them. I love becoming friends with their parents & sharing their struggles & joys. I love immersing the kids in learning in a fun way throughout the year. I love every single detail of my job. I really, really do. But it doesn't pay so great. I've always been OK with that though, because I am abundantly aware that money is not everything. Money doesn't buy happiness. And if you LOVE what you do, whether that's flipping burgers or wiping noses or engineering, you should do what you love.
However, I've always kept my eyes on the local school's website for openings. When it comes right down to it, money doesn't buy happiness, but it does pay the bills. If I could find a job I could love with the school system, I'd still be on the same schedule with the kids, and I'd be able to bring home a year-round paycheck. So every summer, I take a peek & see if anything would be a good fit. I always apply for something or other & I never get a job with them, so I guess I had convinced myself that this summer would be no different. I mean, why wouldn't it? For 3 years now, it's been the same story every summer. So when I actually got emails & phone calls about interviews, I was a little stunned. I suppose, somewhere in the back of my mind, I had convinced myself that I wouldn't actually get a new job, but putting out my resume & application made me look like I was at least willing to try to help with the family's finances. You know...I'd look good to my husband, but I wouldn't actually have to change jobs. After all, I know he'd really like to see me bring home a more steady income but if I could point to all the applications I've sent in & say "See, I tried...it just didn't work out." then I could vindicate myself from feeling guilty about it.
After the first 2 (of 3) possible jobs didn't work out, I was feeling pretty good about getting to stay in my preschool classroom. After all, I tried, right?
But when I realized that I could actually be hired for the 3rd job, I panicked. I dug in my heels & told God that I really didn't want to change jobs. I really LIKE where I am. I really LOVE hanging out with my little ones every day. I really WANT TO stick with the status quo. In asking for prayers from my friends, one of them sweetly told me how she'd been through lots of changes over the years & while she never liked them in the beginning, she always ended up being glad they happened in the end. She was praying that God's will would be done & I could find peace with whatever that is.
That's when it hit me.
How many times in the past 15 years have I had to be drug, kicking & screaming, by God to a new destination? How many times have I begged for Him to stop, cried for Him to let me stay where I was (physically, emotionally, spiritually) only to realize in the end that I was SO glad He didn't leave me alone. How many times have I mentioned on this very blog that I will one day write a book called "That Was Not Part of the Plan", based on all the things that we've been through? How many times have I looked back on something that felt like a crisis at the time only to realize how much of a blessing it was in the end?
I wish I could fast forward my life to about 1 week from now and see if that's the case here. Will this be one of those times when He has a far greater plan for me that I end up finding to be SUCH a blessing? Will this be one of those situations where hindsight is 20/20? Will this be the new season in my life that I fall in love with and enjoy? Or will this whole thing have been a test? Is this one of those Abraham & Isaac moments where He's asking me to trust Him right up til the last minute when He relents & gives me the desire of my heart for obeying Him and trusting Him? I really don't know. A crystal ball or an email from God about now would be nice, but if I knew how it would all end, I wouldn't be able to enjoy trusting Him right now.
I reached a point today where my toddler tantrum stopped. I relaxed for the first time in a couple weeks & thanked all my prayer warriors for continually lifting me up. I realized that I'm OK with the possibility of a job change. Sure, I'd love to stay in the preschool classroom, but if this is where God is leading me, I am willing to go. He knows the desire of my heart, but He also knows if this is going to be a job that will help our family, so I know that I can trust Him to find some sort of balance between the two. When we trust Him & obey what He's asking us to do, there is a blessing involved. Whether that means that things turn out like I want them to or He shows me a beautiful new blessing in taking a different path, I'll be blessed for trusting & obeying Him.
This morning in church we sang a song that said "In you I put my trust. In you I put my life." As I sang it, I was reminded that "In you I put my future, my job plans, my family's finances." I hope you enjoy the song below.
4 years ago