Bedtime is so rich!

I'm quickly learning that any real "deep" conversations I'm going to get out of Andrew & Kourtney are going to come at bedtime. The rest of the day I get little bits & pieces, but bedtime is where the gold lies. My bio kids tend to work that way, too, but I'm finding it to be especially true with these guys.
Tonight's bedtime conversation with Kourtney was about how she misses her mommy. Actually, in the past couple of days, she's saying "I miss my parents". I keep hugging her & telling her that I miss them, too. Poor baby....I think her grief is hitting & she's really beginning to struggle emotionally. However, she's also got a pretty strong wall up, so she's apt to "crack" very slowly. The best I can do is keep talking to her & reminding her how much her mommy loved her....and that she'll see her again in Heaven. This is really hard. Dealing with the death of a parent as an adult is hard enough, but a little child who can't fully grasp the finality of it all is very tough.
Tonight she wanted to see the picture I took of Kelly in the casket. I reminded her that this was the picture of mommy from the funeral home but she was ok with that. I think just seeing mama made her feel better. She was all grins when she saw the picture. She pointed out the things in the casket with her (pictures, a stuffed animal, etc) more than she pointed out mommy, though. She pointed to the picture of herself, Andrew & Kelly taken when she was about 2 (which was also placed in the casket with Kelly) and mentioned "this is when I was a baby". She sorta looked all AROUND her mother, but not directly at her. Still, in whatever way, it was a comfort to her to see that.
I've got some pictures that my MIL found for me of Kelly, G & the kids. I'm going to get those blown up on Wednesday -- one for each of the kids & will frame it for their bedside. I don't want them to ever, ever forget their mommy. I've also ordered them each a copy of the pictures from the funeral. I don't plan on giving those to them now. I'll save them for them to have later when they're older. Seeing it is one thing, but I can't imagine that it would be good for them to stare at it all the time. I can't imagine how it would be to lose my mom & then have little left to remember her by, so I think this is really important for them. I really need to get in touch with Kelly's family & have them mail us some pictures of Kelly for the kids to keep. They need those tangible reminders of who their mom was. Also, I need to check the library & bookstores for books for children about death. If the kids are on the brink of understanding all this & are going to be fully grieving soon, I want them to have books we can read together that are written for kids. Any suggestions, anyone?? I know Maria Shriver wrote one when her mom died for her own children.
The bedtime conversation with Andrew was also very sweet, but in a different way. I've come to realize that Andrew has a very strong "tough guy" front, but eeking out from behind the big shield of that "tough guy" is a tiny little boy who is frail & frightened, who desperately wants to just be a little kid. I think I saw a foot dipping into the waters tonight. There is some major spiritual warfare surrounding this little guy, so prayer warriors, get on the battle gear. He can take all the prayers you can shell out. (Really, Kourtney can too, but I see so much more war going on around this little guy right now!)
Andrew will use whatever means necessary to stay up as long as possible at night. He'll stall & ask for 40 drinks of water, wants you to read a thousand stories to him, etc.... Turns out, he's scared of the dark! The first night he was here, he practically made fun of Samuel for being scared of the dark....and now I find out that he is, too! Tonight, as I walked out of the girls' room after spending a lot of time w/ Kourtney, he asked me to come in & say bedtime prayers with him. I asked if he meant that he wanted me to listen while he prayed & he said something to the effect of "no, you know...I want you to help me say the prayers like Kourtney's doll says". {Kourtney has a little doll who says the "Now I lay me down to sleep..." prayer when you squeeze her hand.} I told him that you don't have to use special words or say it some fancy way...that you could just talk to God...you could even say "Hey, God! Whatcha' doin?". He thought that was the funniest thing ever. We talked about how David (in Psalms) sometimes said 'God, take this enemy of mine & rip his head off & stomp on it &throw it down the pits' {which I might add, he thought was reallyyyyy cool!} and sometimes he was on his knees begging for God's mercy....and other times, he couldn't praise God enough, thankful for how good God is. He thought that all sounded really neat, so we got out his Bible & read the 1st Psalm. I told him how Psalms is my favorite book of the Bible & how it had gotten me through some really tough times of my life.
Somehow, in all that talking, we got on the topic of Heaven. When I told him about the streets of gold & the mansions that God builds for us, he was intrigued. Hearing how God would take broken bodies & make them perfect really got his interest up. We talked about how people with wheelchairs would be able to run & dance & jump & his eyes got really wide. And then I told him that Jesus would come back one day & take everyone who believes in Him up to Heaven with Him. I told him how He'd take the bodies of everyone who's already died & fix their bodies to make them new again--to perfect them. He said "even my mommy's?". Yes, baby...even your mom's. He asked "well, then where is she now?". I told him that her spirit was already in Heaven with God...and that frankly, I was a little jealous....because she was already there with God. He thought the idea of never being sick or sad again was really neat. Then he got thoughtful & said "well, when my daddy dies, where will he go? up or down?". I told him that if daddy believes in God & has asked him to be his saviour, then he'd go to Heaven too. He said something like "...but daddy's in jail." Yes, baby, we can believe in God & still make mistakes....daddy made a mistake, so he has to spend some time in jail, but God still loves him very much! I think that whole concept blew him away---that we could screw up & God would still like us.
That was about the end of our conversation before he got distracted & wanted to talk about something really deep like the stripes on the sheet on the bunk above him (where Samuel was snoring). It was bedtime, so I said goodnight one last time & left him to fall asleep....and I can tell ya, it didn't take 5 minutes for him to be out like a light!
In typing all this, I'm reminded of my favorite Eli song---here are the words:
Eli -- The Lumber Song
Said a friend to a friend one day: There was a man who passed away. Saint Peter met him at the gate. Pete said: Walk with me if you will. I'll take you to the house you built. The man said I can't wait!
They passed a mansion made of stone, but with each new house he's shown, they get smaller by degrees. Stopped in front of a 2 room shack & Pete said "Hope you're happy with that". The man said "How can this be?" And Pete said:
CHORUS: That's all the lumber. That's all the lumber. That's all the lumber you sent. Looks like the builder, man He's got your number. That's all the lumber you sent.
Man didn't know what to say...poor guy was blown away & said You mean this is what I deserve? Pete said I'm afraid so...it's too late, but now you know. You shoulda done better work. He said: You mean not lie & cheat? Help old ladies across the street? And Pete said Well, that's a start. Remember that man back there in that great big house? Found out early what it's all about & built that place with his heart! As for you...
Chorus
What if that man was me? And all failed that miserably? Show me things I don't want to see!
St. Peter, if you can, send me back to earth again. Is that something you can do? Pete said: It ain't up to me, but if it was I'd like to see how you plan to improve. He said "I'd love God, fellow man, take my wife & make a stand...be the given'est guy I can be....and when I get back to this neighborhood, there'd be a gigantic pile of wood and I'd say "What's this I see?" and you'd tell me
That's all the lumber. All that's your lumber! That's all the lumber you sent. Well the big boss will help you hammer it all together. That's all the lumber you sent.