Not sure I'm ready for this....

Some of you may not follow this because you've only begun reading my blog in the past year or so. But for those of you who know the whole story, you'll "get" this.

G's up for parole again. And it's looking favorable (for him) that he'll get out this time. While I would like to see him serve more of his sentence, I am resigned to the fact that 3 years may be what he serves for Kelly's death. He and Larry have written back & forth in the past couple of months and I'm glad that the two of them have finally made peace with each other, at least to some degree. There will always be some tension there, but they've spent the majority of their lives at odds and I'm glad to see them work out at least some things.

Unfortunately, I can't say that I feel the same way. I was folding laundry today & had this vision/daydream (whatever you want to call it) of our extended family sitting around the table at a holiday meal w/ G and I realized that it could quite possibly happen by this time next year. I immediately "snapped out of it" and broke into sobs. The honest to goodness truth is I am not ready to sit across the table from him & make polite conversation. It is not about anger with him. I'm not mad. I simply don't think I can stomach being around him yet. There is too much pain involved. Just having that mental image was like breaking open all the wounds again. The grief of losing 2 children that I loved.... my heart was broken. Seeing his image in my mind & sitting around the table with him was like pouring salt in the wounds.

I guess I figured that I was "over" all of this. I mean, I function just fine every day. I talk about A&K with people all the time. No tears. I'm ok. And then this hit me. I was shocked that the pain resurfaced so easily, that the heartbreak was still so fresh, that the ache was still SO deep & SO painful. I didn't want the kids to see me crying, so I went & hid in the bathroom for a little while til I could regain composure.

Clearly I need to begin praying about this. I know I'm a mother who lost two children in a horrible way and I'm due my grief & sorrow, but at the same time, I need to begin working now on how I'm going to respond when G is out and begins his life again with us, his family, nearby. I'm sure that there will always be pain but I need to ask God to help me control my emotions when he is around.

Join me in praying, please.