emotional weekend

 

This has been a rollercoaster-ish weekend, emotionally speaking, for me.  We didn't start it off well Friday morning.  The boys have tussled over things a few times, as boys do, but now & then, Andrew has really gone over the line & hurt Samuel or Savannah.  (He seems to be very gentle & loving w/ the younger 2 girls, though.)  On Friday morning, Andrew attacked Samuel over a toy.  The anger & rage went on for a while.  We dealt with it, priveleges were removed, and thankfully, Samuel wasn't seriously hurt.  We moved on....but the agressive/violent nature of the morning left me feeling sort of defeated.  I mean, about the time we feel like we've made a lot of progress, we get knocked off our feet & it's almost like we start all over forming relationships & bonds.

 

I felt like I was sort of walking around in a haze that morning, going over in my mind some really serious things I've seen in Andrew this past year....the serious anger issues, the rages he goes into now & then, his fascination with violence & gore, lying over everything under the sun, the sneaky behaviors, urinating on the floor intentionally, some pretty serious defiance issues ....the list goes on....

 

I sent out a prayer request that morning to a few close friends & our to our children's pastor.  I explained some of Andrew's most disturbing behaviors & asked for them to continue to pray for him.  One of my friends, who has become quite dear to me over the past few months replied with some information that I didn't really want to hear....but needed to hear.  (Thank you, Tammy.)

 

You see, children need stability.  We all know that & for most of our families, it's not an issue.  But for foster/adoptive kids who bounce around the system, or ones whose homes are in constant turmoil with frequent moves & questionable parenting, something sort of "shuts off" in the brain.  That "something" is the ability to form strong bonds & attachments to people & things.  Due to so much trauma & change & pain, they learn to defend themselves (emotionally) to protect against further hurt....and in turn lose the ability to really trust other people.  While protecting themself is ok, it can also be a bad thing later on when there is stability in their life.  There is a very WIDE spectrum to it, but there is actually a name for this--- Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).  You see, in some kids, it turns out just meaning that they have a hard time forming friendships & relationships later in life.  They're very guarded & shy and tend to have the stand-offish type of personality.  For others, on the far opposite end of the spectrum, it means they're destructive & violent --- the type of kids who burn down houses of people they don't like just for kicks...kids who torture animals, etc.  {I'm certainly not saying that we're fearing Andrew will 'snap' & burn down the house...just wanted to explain the 2 ends of the spectrum.}

 

My friend who replied to Friday's prayer request is an adoptive mom of 2 children.  One has severe RAD & she's been reading our journal & recognizing "symptoms" of RAD in things I've mentioned about Andrew.  She directed me to a website, www.radkids.org, to see the "signs & symptoms" of RAD for myself.  Shockingly, of the 30ish symptoms listed, about 26 of them fit Andrew to a "T".  What's more, she began describing some of the issues she's dealt with over the years w/ her RAD child and it was amazing.  Things I'd never told her about Andrew were coming up in that email.

 

I'd read a fair amount about RAD in an email group I joined when they moved in (for parents of adopted older kids).  Many of the parents there deal with RAD in their adopted children and there is a lot of discussion in the group about it.  I hadn't really honed in on those conversations b/c I didn't think it applied to us, but I sure will now!  Gratefully, it wasn't a total shock to realize that Andrew most definately has some degree of RAD, but at the same time, it's scary.  While he hasn't been "officially" diagnosed, I'm certain that he would be classified as having RAD. There is no xray or blood test to find out if a child has RAD, and there is no pill or treatment program to "cure" it.  More than anything, it's a matter of parents/caregivers going to counseling & learning how to cope with it.

 

All this info is overwhelming & realizing that Andrew may be affected for his entire life by this is bothersome.  It means that he has trouble forming friendships & relationships with others.  He has a very deep-seated anger/temper issue that explodes rapidly when he feels like someone has violated him or his 'things'.  Unfortunately it also means that discipline is very difficult because there isn't much that he cares enough about to effect him---taking away priveleges or grounding him has little effect because he really has no attachment to the things that are taken away.  (The "I don't care" attitude comes into play here.)  There is a lot that RAD encompasses.  If you would like to read more about it, check the link above.  There's a ton of info there.

 

On the upside, I know that none of this comes as a surprise to my God.  He knew about all this long before A&K moved in.  He put us in a church where another family has dealt with RAD in their child and they have been supporting us along the way.  He put me into the email group where I've been learning about RAD along the way.  He made this abundantly clear to me now through a friend that sort of 'stumbled upon' my journal site & got in touch.  And ya know what?  He is a deliverer.  He is a Healer, a redeemer.  He is the Great Physician.  I know that with some counseling to help us understand RAD better and with the Lord on our side, we are going to be OK.  God is good...all the time....and all the time....God is good.

 

Today at church, we sang a new song that really hit home.  God surely made the worship leader choose that one for today *just for me*.  We only sang the chorus, but I decided to include all the lyrics.  Here are the words to it:

 

Mighty to Save

When everyone needs compassion,
And love that never fails,
Let mercy fall on me

When everyone needs forgiveness,
Kindness of the Saviour
The Hope of the nation

(Chorus:)
Saviour, He can move the mountain,
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save
Forever author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as you find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything that i’d believe in
Now i surrender (and i surrender)

(Chorusx2)

(Bridge:)
Shine a light in and let the whole world see
Singing, for the glory of the risen king
Jesus, Shine a light and let the whole world see
Singing for the glory of the risen king

(Chorus)

(Bridge:)