Today while I was at work, Larry called to ask me about the time for Samuel's class Thanksgiving program today. While we were on the phone he shared with me that Jerry & Betty had called. They went to court this morning and the custody arrangement for Andrew & Kourtney is now final. I put it out of my mind & refused to let myself dwell on it at all the rest of the day. I just didn't want to think about it, so I stayed busy with my class and then with Samuel's class this afternoon. When I finally got home & quit running from one thing to another, it hit. I had to dwell on it for a while & let me tell ya... it's like starting all over again.
I mean, on one hand, it's over and we can quit worrying about things. But on the other hand... it's really over.
I know this is best for all of us. I know they're doing well. I know that Jerry & Betty love them and are taking good care of them. I know that my family is better without them here, hard as that is to admit. I know that our time with them was just for a season & it's exactly what God needed us (& them) to go through during that timeframe. I know that we made the right choice in letting them go. I know all that.... but the finality of transferring custody is just another reminder that they're gone.
And so our world keeps turning, our days move ahead, our lives will go on. And somehow, I must move forward. Can someone draw me a map & tell me how to do that? I'm not exactly sure how one goes about doing so. I know that the rest of the world has long since healed from the 'loss' in my life, and I thought I was doing ok, too....but the reality of things being finalized today has thrown me for a loop. It's very hard to put into words how I feel tonight. Happy for them, but saddened all over again.
My heart hurts for so many reasons, and not all of them are about my sadness.
All of our lives are forever changed. My children still bear the scars of the year Andrew & Kourtney were here. Savannah and I just had a conversation about all her pain & hurts on Saturday. She still struggles with anger & forgiveness. I know it will come in time, but in her little mind, she looks back on that time & all she sees is that someone moved in & ruined her family and made her spend a year of her life in fear. I hate that she felt that way for all the months they were here, and I don't want to see her struggle with this. Sarah still talks about missing Kourtney--her 'sister' & best buddy. Samuel mentions it now & then, but I think he's the most resilient of them all. My heart will always hold a wound that can't be completely healed. No matter what damage they did to my biological children & to our home, I hurt for the pain and all the turmoil A&K have had to live through in their short lives. I hurt for the fact that I couldn't fix their pain. I hurt because we had to give them another notch in the list of issues to work through. I hurt because they were my children (in my eyes and in my heart) and I had to let them go.
Their lives will never be 'ideal', but that happened long ago before their mother died. Their futures are shaky, but with lots of love & guidance, they will survive...after all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger ya know?
And so tonight is a night full of emotion and confused thoughts. Happiness & sadness. Celebration & grieving. Joy & mourning.
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