1 year ago today

I've tried to avoid thinking about it all day.  I've spent most of the day filling my thoughts with other things and keeping busy with something else.  But as night falls & bedtime comes, I am reminded of what today is.  Today is the 1 year anniversary of the day that A & K left our home.

This year I have run the gammot (sp?) of emotions.  Overwhelming sorrow that it ended the way it did ...... grief over the loss of "my" other 2 children ........ anger that Larry's brother did what he did & left our lives in a mess ....... bitterness for having put my (bio) children through the 13 months of torture they endured ...... joy that God allowed me to share in those early days & weeks after K's death with her children ...... happiness that we were able to make a dent in the lives of 2 precious children ........ frustration at our financial state since they moved.  I'm seriously talking about a huge wide range of emotions.

Just a couple of days ago as I cleaned my bedroom, I was ambushed by a surge of emotions as I unearthed 2 cards A made for me on Mothers Day of '06.  The tears fell like a sudden downpour and I let myself sob & bawl for a few minutes before I composed myself & kept cleaning.  I was tear-stained & mascara-streaked for much of that day as the tears came and went.  I have times like that now & then, which is a great improvement over where I was a year ago tonight.

Life does indeed move on.  My other kids have needed their mama & my husband has needed his wife.  We've made some pretty big adjustments to survive and we've had to make some lifestyle changes along the way.  That's just how it is.  I guess that's how grief works.

And while I dread the moments of intense emotions like the other day while I was cleaning, it's also very cleansing to get all of that out now & then.  Larry & I were talking about things the other day and I know that if I could go back & do it all over again, I would.  My heart would break all over again ...but for 13 months, those children were mine and for 13 months I loved them and taught them and nurtured them and adored them.  For 13 months, I counseled with them & prayed for them & prayed over them at night after they fell asleep.  For 13 months, I held their hand at their mom's grave and as they walked into the prison to visit their dad.  I know we had an impact on their lives, even if it's already been forgotten.  I pray that they will forever remember only one thing from their time in our home---that God loves them more intensely & more abundantly than anyone on this planet, and that one day they will run to Him and make Him their Savior.

I am blessed for having been a part of their lives, no matter how tragic & awful the circumstances were in the end.  I am honored that God chose me to fill the 'mama' role for them and honored that they accepted me as such.  I ache for their absence, but I know that God is in control of this vast universe.  I know He placed every star in the sky & knows the number of hairs on my head.  I know that He spins the earth in its orbit every day and that He is the one to tell the Sun when to rise every day.  He can handle all this and still take care of my every need, and so I know He is watching over my other two children even tonight.

God, thank you for being YOU.  Thank you for taking a horrible situation and reminding me of the beauty involved.  Thank you for your great faithfulness and the way you hold me when I'm crying.  Thank you for saving me & holding me close & directing my steps.