In some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago. In other ways, it was just yesterday. Their fingerprints will forever be on my heart.
In playing Clue the other night, Sarah got all giddy about one particular move she made and her response looked & sounded JUST LIKE Kourtney. I pointed it out to Larry & he saw it too. Once in a while, Samuel makes a face that looks JUST LIKE Andrew. I see their likenesses and personalities in my kids. I see toys & books and things they gave to my kids before they left. I have a box of keepsakes in my closet. I try not to look at them too often because I just sob & cry when I do. I get little glimpses now & then of what life was like when they were here that make me smile with sweet memories....and others that make me tear up without a moment's notice.
I know we did everything we could to 'fix things' for them. I absolutely positively know that we made the right choices in bringing them into our home & then taking them out. I know that God honors what we did, the investment we made in their lives. I know He is sovereign & will be with them, in their hearts & in the back of their minds forever. I know all that. Really, sincerely I do.
But this mama-heart of mine still breaks. I miss them. I miss snuggling with Andrew at night and listening to his stories of the projects he was working on with his dad. I miss bedtime hugs & kisses with Kourtney and all her wonderfulness. I miss hugs & kisses & wiping away tears. I don't miss the struggles & the fear & the life lived on the edge of my seat and the nervousness of who might *snap* and hurt someone. But man do I miss them.
I went back in the blog to see what I posted just before/after they left. This is what I found, and what I will leave you with tonight.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I guess I can tell ya now....
I don't really want to go into details on the website, so forgive me for this being somewhat vague.
This weekend, we realized that we must find a new home for Andrew. We have ended up making the choice to move Andrew & Kourtney together as it is always best to keep siblings united.
This has been the most painful horrific few days since the decision was made. Their uncle (on their mom's side of the family) will be coming to get them Friday. We have a very limited time left with them and the sadness of the situation is nearly unbearable. I'll explain more later, or you can call/email me for more info.
Please continue to pray for us.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
I'm ok...it's hard, but I'm clinging to this:
From Psalm 139:
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
...and to this....
Psalm 23 (The Message)
1-3 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.
4 Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I'm not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd's crook makes me feel secure.
5 You serve me a six-course dinner right in front of my enemies. You revive my drooping head; my cup brims with blessing. 6 Your beauty and love chase after me every day of my life. I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life.
Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
I read this & kept having to re-read it this morning. I can only think of two things here. When I rejoice over my kids with singing, it's usually something like the potty dance...when we were potty training one of them & when they were successful we all danced & cheered & sang the "potty song"--you know, the impromptu Hooray for you type of things we do as parents.......or the times when they make a good grade on a test they've reallyyyy had to study hard for & we shout & cheer and jump around & sing. Ya know? And it also reminds me of how I sing & rejoice to God when I feel blessed. And so... somehow I'm supposed to grasp that GOD rejoices over me with SINGING?! HE sings about me? HE is rejoicing over me? Sure, it's may not be the potty song & dance (ha ha!!!) but He is rejoicing over me! Wow. How does that work? Let me see if I can get this straight.
He was sitting up in Heaven one day a bazillion years ago & decided to create the earth & human beings. He tossed around some ideas & SPOKE them into being. He made the sun & moon, put them into orbit, fashioned some stars & fixed them to the sky. He pulls the water in & out from the shore line and tells the animals what sounds to make and where to sleep at night. He decided to create some people, so he took a little dust & made a man. He intricately developed our nerves & cells & blood vessels & set our hearts to beating in a rhythm that keeps us alive. He gave us eyes to see the wonder of all He had done, and gave us free will to spit in His face if that's what we so choose. He allowed all His creations to torment & ultimately kill His only Son---who only showed up on the scene to HELP us. He formed me, made me who I am, watches me & knows every thought that runs through my mind (shudder!) and understands my pains & joys.
And somehow He rejoices over ME?!
Wow. You ARE GOOD, Lord.
1 comment:
Thinking of you. I know you did the right thing too, even though it was terribly hard.
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