I am such a hypocrite.

Sometimes I feel like such a hypocrite, like I'm lost in a cycle of bragging on God, praising Him, pointing out His goodness......and then falling into a pit of despair where I spend days & days whining and crying, feeling helpless & lost.

"Wow! Look at what God did!"
then
"Why have you forgotten me Lord? Help!!!"

"Praise Him!!! He is GOOD."
then
"I don't know how we're going to make it. What will we do????"

"Hallelujah! Our Lord reigns!"
then
"wah wah wah wah.....woe is me"

"I have such great faith. Look at me & all the things God has done for me! He loves me more than you and practically waves His magic wand when I ask Him to."
then
"Oh *&$%. What the heck is going on here? I need some help, God. Hello? You up there? Are you listening at all, Lord???"

Ok, so maybe I've never said that last one. Out loud. But you get the idea. That last part is how I feel like I look to others who read this blog some days since it tends to be my own personal therapy couch and I spill my heart & brain on this page. (What? You didn't know you were my therapists? Sorry about that. The copay's in the mail, I promise.)

Seriously, 99% of the time, I have no problem trusting in God. 99% of the time, I can relax & trust Him and follow whatever He leads me to do. But that other 1% of the time?

I'm 100% confident that I can trust Him when things are going good in life.
I'm still pretty confident I can trust Him when things get tough.
I'm still hanging in there & trusting Him when things get really hard.

But when the rubber meets the road? When I have to take all my 700 levels of control & place them in His hands because there is NO WAY I can take care of my own situation? Ouch. That's when I start biting my nails & manufacturing ways to fix my own problems because, ya know, if God was REALLY in charge, He would've saved the day already, right?

Ummm...no.

What was that verse in Proverbs 3:5-6? Doesn't it say something like "....in most of your ways, acknowledge Him...."? Oh wait, you're right. It says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding. In ALL YOUR WAYS acknowledge Him & He will direct your paths."

ALL my ways? In EVERY single situation? Even the really dirty, messy, ugly, scary ones? ALL of them?

I want to believe that I DO acknowledge Him. Not just in a passing glance, wave as you walk by sort of way. I want to believe that I DO trust in the Lord with ALL my heart....and that I DO lean on Him. I don't want to be a window shopper where faith is concerned. I want to believe that I am sitting in that window, snuggled into the lap of my Jesus, happy to tell others about the difference He makes in my life.

But my actions speak louder. My actions speak of a heart that doubts, fears & frets.

And over what? MONEY. I realize that it's crazy to say "it's JUST money", because Heaven knows that it takes money to run the world. Everything costs something. Everything takes money to participate. The kids come home with a new permission slip requiring $5 here & $3 there nearly every day. Money leads to more marital arguments & divorces, I would speculate, than nearly anything else. We all bank online these days & watch our accounts like hawks, ready to jump into action when the numbers don't look the way we think they should.

But really? It's just money.

Every problem in my life could be solved with money. I could easily pay all my bills. I could pay someone to clean my house. I could pay a doctor to do some crazy surgery to make me skinny. I could pay someone to help my kids with their homework in the afternoons. I could buy a new house, a new car, a new computer, a fancy camera (oh...the list is endless!). Money would solve all those things.

But really? It's just money.

I don't have cancer. I'm not laying in a hospital bed in my living room with family gathered 'round to say their goodbyes.

I'm not starving in a third world country with no hope of feeding my family & having to stand by and watch my children die.

We live in a peaceful place, no wars, no torture, no gunshots in the street at night.

We're not in & out of drug rehab.

We have jobs.

My husband is alive. I'm not parenting by myself.

I have a home.

My children are healthy.

We have family nearby who love us.

The truth is, we really are very lucky. We are richer than so many others in the world. So many don't have all those things. And those problems can't be solved by money. They require so much more.

My problems? In the grand scope of things, they're nothing. I have trouble paying my bills every month & that hurts. But that's no big deal in comparison to the evil & the pain going on in the lives of so many others.

If it means drawing me closer to the heart of Jesus, I'll take an empty checkbook.
If it means making me depend on Him more, I'll take the overdraft fees.
If it means pointing to Him and saying "I don't know how, but we made it through", I'll watch the checks bounce.
If it means crying out to God and burying my face in the pillow while I sob & pray every few weeks, begging for provision and for Him to somehow get us to the 31st with all we need, I'll take it.

Because in reality, it's just money. My problems could be so much worse.

"Fear not, for I am with you says the Lord. I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. Child, you are mine. When you walk through the waters, I will be there. And through the flames. You'll not be drowned. You'll not be burned. For I am with you." (paraphrase Isaiah 41)