Thursday July 21, 2011

I'm not a worrier.

I'm really, really not.

It's not like me to lose my positive view on things. It's not like me to feel desperate or freaked out about anything.

But somehow it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. And as usual, the source of concern is our bank account. That seems to be the only thing that every really throws me for a loop...if I'm going to be thrown for a loop, anyway.

I figured out a long time ago that I can trust God. No matter what. No matter how difficult a time I'm having. No matter what's going on in life. No matter how many digits follow the negative sign in the bank account. I can trust Him. He takes care of me. Over & over & over. He is faithful. So when crazy things happen (illness, finances, problems with the kids, broken down car, whatever...) I don't sweat it. Usually, I step back & look at the situation, then step back into it & start LOOKING FOR God's hand. Sometimes it takes a while to pick up on what He's doing, but He's ALWAYS there. It bugs Larry to death that I don't stress out about things & am always quoting Scriptures to him and reminding him to be very intentional about seeking God and looking for ways to glorify Him. (Don't get me wrong. I'm married to an amazing man of God, but he will tell you himself that he has chicken-little faith sometimes....always fearful that the sky is falling.)

But for whatever reason, yesterday our financial woes got the best of me. I've mentioned here before how our combined paychecks cover the bills. But then there is nothing at all leftover. Where we run into trouble is Larry's gas. He travels nearly every day at work. It's not at all uncommon for him to put $50 of gas into his truck two or three times a week. Sometimes it's every day! He gets reimbursed for all the gas he has to buy eventually. But he has to rack up a huge bill before he can turn in a reimbursement request. (That's the rule. There is a dollar amount he has to cross before he's allowed to turn in a request.) While he's racking up the gas bill, our bank account balance is dropping. Lower & lower & lower. Into the negative numbers. Every month. It's so frustrating because it's an endless cycle of digging a (negative balance) hole. By the time one of us gets paid or he gets a mileage check, we're really just filling in the hole and trying to get back up to $0.

But God.....
always provides.
always feeds us.
always covers every bill.
always shows up.
always sends help if we reach that point.
always amazes me.

Today when I posted to facebook that I needed some recipes for cheap meals that you could throw together from things I have in the pantry already, I got a ton of suggestions. I was so grateful for all my friends offering ideas. Unfortunately most of them included ingredients that we don't have. Ingredients that I don't have the money to go buy. When the account is already into negative numbers, even buying a can of soup seems irresponsible since it means tacking on an overdraft fee on top of the purchase price. You know, a .50 can of soup doesn't seem like a big deal unless you're paying $28.50 for it!! So I thanked all my friends, took some of their ideas, printed out some recipes and then went to the pantry to dig & try to create some menu ideas for next week.

Then a friend emailed. I haven't seen this friend in 17 years aside from accidentally running into her once about a year ago. We talked for about 5 minutes before we parted ways. She had some recipe ideas, but ultimately she said she had recently been blessed herself & wanted to share some of her abundance. I wanted to say "no, you don't have to do that" but I knew this was God's hand....help being given by someone I would've never thought to ask....an offer from someone who's "been there, done that". I thought maybe she'd share a loaf of bread and some PB&J, but that wasn't the case. When she arrived with bags & bags of groceries, I was blown away. Seriously, I almost couldn't fit it all into my pantry! My grocery bill for this coming week just dropped from $100 to pretty much $0. And there will be plenty to roll over into next week, too! I'm astounded by God's goodness. And so very grateful to my friend.

I don't know how many more times God is going to have to teach me this lesson --- that I am NOT IN CONTROL --- before I have quit having these breakthrough worry sessions now and then. He's had to beat me over the head with this lesson so many times that you'd think that I would have it down by now.

I am not asking for any hand outs, but if you think of it, please put us on your prayer list. Our checkbook, and my nerves, would appreciate it.